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H="100 People"
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following. 

There would be: 57 Asians; 21 Europeans; 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south; and 8 Africans

52 would be female; 48 would be male

70 would be nonwhite; 30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian; 30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual; 11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education 

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and tolerance becomes glaringly aparent.

Phillip M Harter, MD, FACEP Stanford University, School of Medicine.

H="1900-2000"
March,2000

It May Be Hard to Believe That A Scant 100 Years Ago...

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

Drive-by-shootings -- in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide --which was thought to diminish sexual desire -- into the woman's drinking water.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.

Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.

Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.

H="1957"
1957

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.  "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Bobby.  Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father........

"DAMMIT, DADDY!  THE TWIST!!  IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
  

H="1960's vs. 2000"
a.. The 1960s vs. the 2000s 

Then: Long Hair 
Now: Longing for hair. 

Then: The perfect high. 
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 

Then: Keg. 
Now: EKG. 

Then: Acid Rock. 
Now: Acid Reflux. 

Then: Moving to California because it's cool. 
Now: Moving to California because it's warm. 

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 

Then: Seeds and stems. 
Now: Roughage. 

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints. 
Now: Popping joints. 

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 
  
Then: Paar. 
Now: AARP. 

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 

Then: Killer weed. 
Now: Weed killer. 

Then: Hoping for a BMW. 
Now: Hoping for a BM. 

Then: The Grateful Dead. 
Now: Dr. Kevorkian. 

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 
Now: Getting a new hip joint. 

Then: Rolling Stones. 
Now: Kidney stones. 
 
Then: Being called into the principal's office. 
Now: Calling the principal's office. 

Then: Peace sign. 
Now: Mercedes logo. 

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 

Then: Taking acid. 
Now: Taking antacid. 

Then: Passing the driver's test. 
Now: Passing the vision test. 

Then: "Whatever" 
Now: "Depends" 

H="2 Kids in Hospital"
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.  The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

H="30 Things"
30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird

H="50 Rules for Gay Men"
50 Rules Gay Men Should Live By
---------------------------------------------
  
1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of his body parts together without permission first.

4. If a night out with your friends is going to be fun, invite your boyfriend.

5. If a night out with your friends is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. Unless he's your boyfriend.

6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

7. Ditto for "Is he cuter than me?"

8. Calvin Klein is good. Pleasure Chest is bad --Maybe. Check first.

9. Ordering for him is good. Telling him what he wants is bad.

10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Bitch" is bad, unless referring to an ex when your current is around.

12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony... Or foreplay.

13. A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question. Exception: "Should I bite harder?

14. None of your ex-boyfriends was ever nicer, cuter, or better in bed.

15. His cooking is excellent.

16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

17. Dishsoap is your friend. Softsoap is foreplay.

18. Poly/cotton does not equal linen, Brut does not equal CK, and Walmart does not equal Bloomies.

19. Buying him dinner does not equal foreplay. Maybe.

20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

21. Ditto for "Whose number is this?"

22. Two words: clean socks. Preferably pale socks, with interesting patterns.

23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk, even though everyone ELSE is more attractive when you're drunk.

24. Burping is not sexy, even if you CAN do it.

25. You're wrong.

26. You're sorry.

27. He's probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think he is.

28. Ditto for your discourse on the sexual habits of everyone in the bar.

29. Ditto for your ability to sing "The Man That Got Away" at the drop of a hat.

30. "Will you move in with me?" is good. "I have a roommate. Let's just do it here in the car" is bad, unless you're celebrating the anniversary of your having met that way.

31. Don't assume Prozac can cure every bad mood.

32. Don't assume other men don't exist.

33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything he feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using his toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.

35. Never let him go home alone after 11pm.

36. Chivalry and macho are NOT mutually exclusive.

37. Pick him up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

38. If you want to break up with him, break up with him. Don't act like a 
complete jerk until he does it for you.

39. Don't tell him you love him if you don't.

40. Tell him you love him if you do. Often. With flowers.

41. Always, always suck up to his friends. But ONLY "up to."

42. Think briefs.

43. Calvin Klein briefs.

44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" he so names.

45. Don't try to change the way he dresses.

46. His haircut is never bad (but of COURSE not; he goes to a gay hair stylist...preferably Dean).

47. Don't let your friends pick on him.

48. Call.

49. Don't lie. (You aren't confused. Those happened twice. Learn them. Love them. Live them.)

50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

H="710 Cap"
The other day I was in the local auto part store.

A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it.

So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

(directions  ... draw a circle, write 710 in the middle of it, and turn it around)

H="90's"
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's 

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you want to go to lunch?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes". 

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. 

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 

8. You consider US Mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail". 

9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. 

13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 

14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. 

15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. 

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise. 

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news. 

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes. 

19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 

21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined. 

22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer. 

23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire. 

24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary. 

25. You see a good looking, smart person at work, and you know it must be a visitor. 

26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet. 

27. The new person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up. 

28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital. 

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got. 

30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy. 

31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes ... Could you fit this in ... your spare time ... when you're freed up ...I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you. 

32. Vacation is something you roll over to next year. 

33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving. 

34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection. 

35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers". 

36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk. 

37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 

38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling. Yep 

39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group. Yep, indeed. 

40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway. 


H="A Hole Behind"
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf layout became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.   He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." 

He thanked her and went back to his golf. 

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. 

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." 

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. 

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. 

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.  The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. 

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.  I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also.  What do you sell?" 

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh..

"No, I won't." 

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." 

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. 

She said, "See I knew you would laugh." 

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.  "I'm a salesman for Preparation H so I'm still a hole behind you!" 


H="Afraid of Black Men"
This is for anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: 

(And it's a true story...?) 

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. 

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very big...an intimidating figure. 

The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. 

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind - but God,they had to know what she was thinking! 

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. 

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another.  Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. 

Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. 

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. 

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. 

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." 

He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. 

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. 

At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. 

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." 

It was signed, Eddie Murphy Michael Jordan


H="Airline Travel Voucher"
Travel Voucher

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a US Air flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. 

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. 

So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?" 

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" 

The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." 

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!" 

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!" 

H="Alligator Shoes"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

H="Alligators"
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.  The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.  We're the same age, we were the same size as kids.  I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm.  Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here.  Hm.  How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.  Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.  See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."



H="American & Iraqui"
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. 

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying bastard!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "George Bush is an unprincipled, lying bastard!"

We were standing in the road shaking hands when a truck hit us."

H="Ammo Shell"
True Story!

An old WW2 veteran used to come into a hospital clinic in the east end of London suffering from bad hemorroids (piles). The clinic did what they could, but they could never relieve the most painful pile, which would hang down and get stuck on the seam of the man's underpants. 

To rid himself of the nuisance of this pile, the old man used to push it back up into his rectum using the artillery shell from an anti-aircraft gun he used to man in the war. 

One day the shell got stuck and the man was forced to hobble down to the hospital to get it removed. As the doctor was about to insert his fingers into the old man's rectum to remove the shell he said 'Of course, this shell is spent, isn't it?'

'Oh no,' said the old man 'There's enough ammo in that shell to blast a Messerschmidt out of the sky.' So the doctor called in the army bomb squad, who built a lead box around the old man's asshole and defused the shell in situ, before removing it. 

H="Anagrams"
Dormitory				Dirty Room 

Evangelist				Evil's Agent 

Slot Machines			Cash Lost in 'em 

Animosity				Is No Amity 

Mother-in-law			Woman Hitler 

The Public Art Galleries	Large Picture Halls, I Bet 

A Decimal Point			I'm a Dot in Place 

Eleven plus two			Twelve plus one 

Contradiction			Accord not in it 

--And finally- 

Year Two Thousand			A Year To Shut Down 

H="Andy Rooney"
On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes: My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we cant see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Pregnancy: Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your hand...It wont be long now...

On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice There's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $3.95 to say I'm not in the mood.

On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.



H="Anger Management"
Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. 

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. 

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. 

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up. 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front." 

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.



Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. 

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. 

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. 

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.




H="AOL User"
Blonde AOL User

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."


H="Apes "
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches, the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been.

And that's how company policy begins....

H="AT&T"
Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T.

Me: Is this AT&T?

Yes this is AT&T.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Bixel. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T (getting a little excited at this point by my interest): Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Bixel. Please hold.

At this point I begin trying to finish my dinner. Supervisor: Mr. Bixel?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Is thith A Teeth & Teeth? Supervisor: Yes, Sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Bixel, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: No, but I was wondering -- do you have that "friends and family" thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: Click


H="Axioms For The Internet"
01. Home is where you hang your @ 
02. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 
03. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 
04. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 
05. Great groups from little icons grow. 
06. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 
07. C:\is the root of all directories. 
08. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. 
09. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. 
10. The modem is the message. 
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 
12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 
13. A chat has nine lives. 
14. Don't byte off more than you can view. 
15. Fax is stranger than fiction. 
16. What boots up must come down. 
17. Windows will never cease. 
18. In Gates we trust. 
19. Virtual reality is its own reward. 
20. Modulation in all things. 
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 
22. There's no place like home.com 
23. Know what to expect before you connect. 
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. 
25. Speed thrills. 
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him 
 to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 

H="Bacon Tree"
The Bacon Tree

Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an  old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,  "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me.  For nutting vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.

About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute, vait a minute."

He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I meant to say it vuz a ham bush!"

H="Bacon Tree 2"
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... 

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.' 

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.' 

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. 

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. 

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.' 

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it? 

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees 


Ees 


Ees 


Ees 


Eees a Ham Bush.



H="Bad Day"
THE WORST DAY

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

The poor little guy starts crying.  

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."  

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I over-slept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it.  At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life... then you show up and drink the damn poison!"


H="Balance"
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, see what I've made..."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a place. "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "West Lafayette, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful women and an exquisite campus that is called Purdue. The people from West Lafayette are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied with a smirk, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth idiots I'm putting next to them in Bloomington!"

H="Beach Girl"
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer 
they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one 
thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance 
around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but 
occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money 
for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling 
drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they 
just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that 
she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel 
and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what 
she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up 
and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and 
then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, 
is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."

No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery 
salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."


H="Bear Hunting"
Frank was excited about his new rifle.  So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.  There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices.  I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over.  Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.  He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.  The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank.  You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
  
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.  Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
  
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.  He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"


H="Beautiful Butt"
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass. 

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done. 

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"! 

H="Beer"
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York after a hockey game.  One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat.  Just before takeoff, an American got on and took the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spit in it.

When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. When the American returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.  

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.  "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?  This hatred?  This animosity?  This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?".


H="Beethoven"
BEETHOVEN

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden
he hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the
source.  He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads:  Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being
played backward!  Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a
friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it
is being played backward.  Curious, the men agree to consult a music
scholar.  When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is
playing, again backward.  The expert notices that the symphonies are
being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day, the word has spread, and a throng has gathered around
the grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backward.  Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.  "He's just
decomposing."


H="Bill Gates and God"

Bill Gates passes away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God.
"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you
created that ghastly Windows.

"I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you
decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?"

God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you
decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear water.
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
temperature was perfect.
"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."
God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy
white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing
harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Bill Gates though for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how
things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst
the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doing', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This not what I
expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing
in the water?"
"Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the Screen Saver."



H="Blond Ice Fishing"
This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"  Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

H="Blond Jokes"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. 

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear." 

***

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 

***
 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blonde is really angry, so she opens her purse to take out the gun. As she does, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" 

***
 
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." 

***
 
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 
"Is it mine?" 

***
 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

***

Once upon a time a Blonde was hard up for money. She was too much of a blonde to think of something logical to do, so she decided to kidnap a child for ransom. 

So the next day she went to a nearby playground and when nobody was looking, she pulled a random kid behind a tree and said, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stood there in shock. The Blonde then pulled out a note that read:

"I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else."

She handed the note to the kid and told him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde found the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag was a little note that read:

"Here is the money.  How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

***

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. Twenty minutes later, the blonde reaches the end and gets out.

The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze medal goes to the blonde."

The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other girls were using their arms!"

***

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a jigsaw puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. "It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

"Honey," said her husband, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

***

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out rude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. I'ts because of you that I have to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn'tmean to hurt your feelings." "Shut Up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

***

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

***

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were camping when they ran out of food. The brunette went out hunting and came back the next morning with a deer.

"How did you get that?" asked the redhead. "Well," said the brunette "found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer."

The next night the redhead went out hunting. The next morning she came back with a bear.

"How did you get that?" asked the blonde. "Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear," said the redhead.

The third night the blonde went out and the next morning she came back brusied, bloody, and clothes torn.

"What happened said the brunette?" The blonde replied, "found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by the train."

***

 Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!” 

***

Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer.

"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.  Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer.

"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?"

"Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground."

***

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, 'Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' 


H="Boomer Exam"
OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER QUALIFYING EXAM 

QUESTION #1: 
Name the Beatles. 
______________________________ 
______________________________ 
______________________________ 
______________________________ 

QUESTION #2: 
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____ _____!" Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it from both the movies and TV. 

QUESTION #3: 
"Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________. 

QUESTION #4: 
wHAT DO m&m'S DO? ____ ___ ______ _____, _____ ___ ____ 
______ 

QUESTION #5: 
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _________ _________. 

QUESTION #6: 
Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _________ _________. 

QUESTION #7: 
"You'll wonder where the yellow went, _____ ____ ______ _____ ______ _____ _______." 

QUESTION #8: 
Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, M_____________ G. K_____________. 

QUESTION #9: 
M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? _________ ___ ______ _______." 

QUESTION #10: 
"Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______." 

QUESTION #11: 
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ________ ____. 

QUESTION #12: 
From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______ _______ ____ _______ ___ _______?" 

QUESTION #13: 
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________." 

QUESTION #14: 
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ____ _______________ _____. 

QUESTION #15: 
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway ______ _____________. 

QUESTION #16: 
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ______ __ _____ ___ _______. I'm Popeye the sailor man." 

QUESTION #17: 
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ___________ ____________. 

QUESTION #18: 
In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ___ ___________ _____ _________________." 

QUESTION #19: 
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ________ ____________ to kick around any more." 

QUESTION #20: 
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip ___ ____ ____ _______." 

QUESTION #21: 
"I found my thrill, _____ ____________ _______." 

QUESTION #22: 
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________ ____ ____." (This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.) 

QUESTION #23: 
"Good night, David." "_________ _________,__________." 

QUESTION #24. 
"Liar, liar, ______ ___ _____." 

QUESTION #25. 
"When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star today.  Smile! _______ ___ _______ _________." 

QUESTION #26. 
From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ _____." 

ANSWERS: 
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo 
2. oh, my 
3. It's Howdy Doody Time! 
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 
5. Wonder Bread 
6. Cassius Clay 
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent. 
8. Maynard G. Crebbs 
9. Why? Because we like you. 
10. A little dab 'll do ya. 
11. over 30 
12. who wrote the book of love 
13. Absolutely nothin' 
14. the American way 
15. Joe Namath 
16. 'cause I eats me spinach 
17. Mary Martin 
18. is a failure to communicate. 
19. Richard Nixon 
20. to Big Bad John 
21. on Blueberry Hill 
22. wherever you are. 
23. Good night, Chet. 
24. pants on fire 
25. You're on Candid Camera 
26. he is us 

H="Boy Named Bush"
"A Boy Named Bush" 

Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" Theme Song 

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His lQ was zero and his head was up his tush. 
He drank like a fish while he drove all about. 
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up. 

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale. 
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail. 
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk. 
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke. 
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy. 

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam. 
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom." 
Let the common people get maimed and scarred. 
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard. 
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy. 

Twenty years later Georgie gets a little bored. 
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord. 
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be." 
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the G O P.
Republicans, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms. 

Come November 7, the election ran late. 
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!" 
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls." 
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade. 

Before the votes were counted, five Supremes stepped in. 
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation. 
And that's how George finally got his coronation. 
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. 

Y'all come VOTE now!!!! Ya hear??

H="Boy, Man and Donkey"
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.  As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...  Kiss your ass goodbye.


H="Boys Skinny Dipping"
Two Boys Skinny Dipping

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the others manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?"

The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard."

Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco."

The other boy exclaimed, "Well no wonder, that's shortening!"

H="Bras"
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" 

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. 

"Type?" inquired the man. "There is more than one type?" 

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. 

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. 

Confused, the man asked what the types were. 

The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" 

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" 

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills." 

H="Brass Monkey"
CANNON BALLS... 

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but prevent them from rolling about the deck. 

The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of thirty cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. 

There was only one problem - how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a, "Monkey," with sixteen round indentations. If this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. 

The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.  Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon balls would come right off the monkey. 

Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you have had dirty thoughts, haven't you?) 


H="Brothel"
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.  Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.  Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.  Then... still another couple behind some bushes near the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel," replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!!!!"


H="Brothers"
Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The good brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

Suddenly the evil brother died.

After a few years, the good brother passed away, went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

The power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde model.

Startled and confused, he turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other! Surely, hell cannot be all that bad."

God explained, "Things are not always as they seem. . . . the keg has a hole in it, ...the blonde doesn't."

H="Bullfrog Blowjob"
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend
A fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
Been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. 

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
True...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
Skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she
May never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and 
Pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
Reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. 
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

H="Bush Airplane"
The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.

George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney says, "Of course, I could throw one-hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there... hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy.



H="Bush Meets the Queen"
George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her Intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer this for me, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


H="Business School"
FOUR LESSONS OF BUSINESS

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!


H="Can I Have One?"

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. 

His grandson says, "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarette?" 

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" asks the grandpa. 

"No," says the little boy. 

"Then you're not big enough," says Grandpa. 

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it. 

The little boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?" 

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. 

"No," says the little boy. 

"Then you're not old enough," says Grandpa. 

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. 

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" 

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. 

"I most certainly can!" says grandpa. 

"Then go fuck yourself," 


H="Can you read this?"


i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.


H="Catholic Math"
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. 

His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. 

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. 

Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. 

This goes on for some time, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. 

With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" 

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." 



H="Celibacy Test"
There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis.

A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest .

"Ting-a-ling"

The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower." 

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief priest heard . . .

"Ting-a-ling"

"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower," said the chief priest. 

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of . . . but no bell rang!

"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph" . . .

"Ting-a-ling!"

H="Chain Letter"
 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Hello, my name is Vito Baggadoughnuts. I am suffering from rare 
and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme 
virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal 
electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion 
fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe 
that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in 
Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise 
enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell 
her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you 
and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here-----

If I scroll down this page and make a wish, every Playboy model 
in the magazine will lay me! What a bunch of bullshit. So 
basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out 
there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain
mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my 
apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the 
chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to 
this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes
it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World 
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your 
closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human 
being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" 
forwards about 90 times. I don'tcare.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually 
contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your 
own unpopularity.

=*=*=*=*=*=*=

H="Chapstick"
The Origin of Chapstick

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger."

"Howdy, sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail,and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there Mister", said the sheriff.

"Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips" was the reply.

"And that cures them?" the sheriff asked.

"Nope, just keeps me from lickin 'em."


H="Chastity Belt"
The True Knight 

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "Why this is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." 

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad. 

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur." My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" 

But, alas, . Sir Galahad was speechless. 


H="Childrens Books"

Children's Books That Didn't Make the Cut:

1.You Are Different and That's Bad
2.The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3.Dad's New Boyfriend
4.Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5.Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6.The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7.Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8.Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9.All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. They're Gonna Cut it Off So You Can Be Like Other Boys
30. Charlie and the Tasty Drink Mix Under the Sink
31. Even After the Accident, Johnny Had Eight Fingers Left
32. What Really Happens in the Principal's Office
33. Let's Go to Summer Camp: Where all the Polish Kids Went During WW2
34. My First Internet Chat Room and the Nice Man I Met There
35. If You Keep Picking At It You'll Get Cancer and Die
36. Daddy's Power Tools Go 'Round and 'Round
37. This Glue Smells Funny
39. Special Candy You Melt in a Spoon and Inject in your Arm
40. After the Divorce We're Selling You Along with the House
41. The Thing Under Your Bed Eats Kids' Toes
42. Lost in the Woods for a Month
43. Our Yard Used to be a Cemetery
44. When People Get Shot on TV They Really Die
45. We Get to be on a Talk Show!
46. Daddy Keeps the Good Cartoons in the Bedroom VCR
47. Grandma's Ashes Are in a Pretty Brass Jar
48. My Dad Has a Gun, Wanna See?
49. The Blender Works Without a Lid
50. Things that Fit Up your Nose

H="Chinese and Jews"
Two pilots got to talking on a transatlantic flight. The captain was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't care for each other.

After thirty minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."

The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

The pilot said, "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo .... Chinese no bomb Pearl Harbah. JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbah."

The pilot answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter. You're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence ensued. Finally, the co-pilot said, "I no like Jew."

The pilot replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

The pilot tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg... no mattah... all same."


H="Chinese Tortures"
A young gay man is wandering, lost, in Provincetown when he comes upon a small house on Bradford Street. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. 

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" 

"Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my 19 year old son, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man". 

"OK," said the man, and entered the house. Over dinner, the son came down the stairs. He was young, handsome, and had a fantastic body. He was obviously attracted to the young man as he couldn't keep his eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored the son and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into his room for a night of passion. 

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: 

"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.". 

Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." 

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. 

As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." 

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. 

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder. 

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post." 


H="Chocolate"
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 

1) You can GET chocolate. 

2) "If you love me you'll swallow" has real meaning with chocolate. 

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being 
called nasty names. 

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during 
working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face 
slapped. 

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 

16) Good chocolate is easy to find. 

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter. 


H="Christmas Physics"
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. 

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accellerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 gravitations. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.


H="Church Collection"
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. 

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. 

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. 

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him." 


H="Circle Flies"
Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then in a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


H="Coke or Water?"
Water or Coke ???

WATER

1. We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before.

2. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population)

3. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

4. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

5. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U- Washington study.

6. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

7. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

8. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.

9. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car an accident. 

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

For Your Info: 

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of WATER or COKE? Kinda scary, isn't it?



H="Computer Poem"
Remember When... 

A computer was something on t.v. 
from a science fiction show of note 
A window was something you hated to clean 
and ram was the cousin of a goat 

Meg was the name of my girlfriend 
and gig was a job for the nights 
now they all mean different things 
and that really mega bytes 

An application was for employment 
A program was a t.v. show 
A cursor used profanity 
A keyboard was a piano 

Memory was something that you lost with age 
A CD was a bank account 
And if you had a 3" floppy 
you hoped nobody found out 

Compress was something you did to the garbage 
Not something you did to a file 
And if you unzipped anything in public 
you'd be in jail for awhile 
Log on was adding wood to the fire 
Hard drive was a long trip on the road 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 
And a backup happened in your commode 

Cut you did with a pocket knife 
Paste you did with glue 
A web site was a spider's home 
and a virus was the flu 

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper 
And the memory in my head 
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash 
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

H="Congress"
Some Company!

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500
employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that
perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws signed to keep
the rest of us in line.

H="Constipated Elephant"

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt 
fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative 
and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the 
plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated the 
keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to 
give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved 
beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked 
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock 
and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his 
bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police 
detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay 
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came 
along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just 
one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes -a billion-to- 
one shot, atleast."

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 
23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 
8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his 
usual poop aplenty.

"Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because 
he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant," 
assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. "He told me he was 
going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with 
laxatives and possibly give him an enema. "I offered to help, 
but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control." 
But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger 
found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body 
visible only from the knees down.

"I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said. 
"But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very 
dangerous activity -- and not something that should be attempted 
alone." 

H="Country Songs"
TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few



H="Country Technology"
 Country Technology for Country Folk

1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gittin' the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in, y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: Hippie talk fer the rat hole.


H="Court Cases"
Outrageous Court Cases
 
 January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.
 

 June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
 

 October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
 

 October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
 

 May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
 

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses. 

H="Credit"
EXTENDING CREDIT

Harry and his wife Betty are experiencing hard financial times, so Betty decides to become a prostitute. The two agree that $100 is a fair price and they drive to a seedy part of town where she stands out on a corner. He pulls into a nearby ally in case she needs help. Within five minutes a guy pulls up and propositions her. "A hundred bucks," she says. "I've only got 30" the guy replies. 

"Hold on," she says and she runs over to Harry who suggests giving the guy a hand job. So she runs back over to the john's car and offers him a hand job for 30 bucks he agrees and as she gets in the car he unzips his pants and takes out his gigantic penis. Betty stares at it in awe then she gets out the car and runs around the corner to Harry. 

"Hey" she says, "can you loan this guy 70 bucks?"

H="Darwin Awards 1997"
The results have been tabulated. Here are this year's Darwin Awards...(aka The Academy Awards of the Terminally Stupid) Enjoy! 

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Here are some current candidates:

5th Runner Up: A San Anselmo, California man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. 

4th Runner Up: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. 

3rd Runner Up: To poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him. 

2nd Runner Up: Man Loses Face at Party. A man at a West Virginia party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. 

1st Runner Up: Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Robert admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. 

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300 mph into the side of a desert cliff. 

THE 1997 WINNER IS: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, who decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they thought it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.

The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John --100 pounds heavier than Sal to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rear posterior. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. 

Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken state, Sal put the truck into reverse rather than first, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half naked, with scratches, skewered in a holly stick, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air. 

Congratulations, fellows!

H="Darwin Awards 1998"
1998 DARWIN AWARDS
They have finally been released!For those not familiar with the Darwin 
Award - It’s an annual honor given to the person who provided the 
universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the 
most extraordinarily stupid way.As always, competition this year has 
been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole 
lives for this event.

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1.	In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in 
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide 
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys

2.	In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who totally 
zoned when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off 
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3.	Buxton, NC:A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had 
dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.Beachgoers said Daniel 
Jones 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had 
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it 
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.People on the beach, on 
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way 
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.It 
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him 
while about 200 people looked on.Jones was pronounced dead at a 
hospital.

4.	In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he 
he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was 
burglarizing.Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed 
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull 
as he hit the floor.

5.	According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, 
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman,23, who 
was was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest 
Berrena wearing.

6.	Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville DE, 
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded 
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7.	In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta 
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a 
tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8.	In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near 
Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the 
spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.


DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
1.	In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede 
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a 
rock near thehole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing 
his skull.

2.	In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out 
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane 
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his 
house.

3.	Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in 
September,and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of 
dynamite that blew up in their car .While driving around at 2 AM, the 
bored couple lit thedynamite and tried to toss it out the window to 
see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the 
window was closed.

4.	Taking Amateur Night Too Far:In Betulia, Colombia, an annual 
festivalin November includes five days of amateur bullfighting.This 
year, no bull waskilled, but dozens of matadors were injured, 
including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one 
participant, It’s just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons.

SOME MORE ALSO-RANS

1.	Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, 
Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on 
his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and 
Pamela Klesick’s first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten 
off.Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work 
and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.
I’m still not sure why I did it, she said later I was really close to 
the car, so I didn’t think anyone would see.Besides, it couldn’t have 
been for more than two seconds .However, cab driver Vegas did see and 
lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of 
the Johnson Medical Building.Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was 
cleaning Corcoran’s teeth.The crash of the cab against the building 
making her jump, tearing Corcoran’s gums with a cleaning pick.. In 
shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick’s hand.Moeller’s 
wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2.	TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three 
birth-control vaginal inserts.Her English was so bad she had to draw a 
picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself.A 
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors’ suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, 
being unable to read the foil wrappers.After the third one, she 
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill 
with a sour-tasting foam.She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a 
few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her 
mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3.	La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma 
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.My dog drags 
the thing all over the house, he said later. He must have dragged it 
into the shower.I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat 
down right on the thingThe extraction took more than three hours due 
to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza’s phone had opened during 
insertion. He was a real trooper during the entire episode, said Dr 
Dennis Crobe.Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying 
himself.Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each 
time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor.By 
the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine 
in there.

4.	TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends 
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the 
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.The conversation grew 
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge 
at 4:30 am.Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered 
that no one had brought bungee rope.Bingham, who had continued 
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay 
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham’s leg and the 
other end was tied to the bridge.His fall lasted 40 feet before the 
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.He miraculously 
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby 
fishermen. All I can say, said Bingham, is that God was watching out 
for me on that night.There’s just no other explanation for it. 
Bingham’s foot was never located.

5.	BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were 
engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut 
butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them 
clean.Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher’s 
penis and testicles.Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily 
threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog.The bottle broke, 
covering the dog and Christopher with perfume.Startled, Rudy leaped 
back, tearing away the penis.While trying to get her unconscious 
husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, 
injuring her wrist and ankle.Christopher’s penis was in a styrofoam 
ice cooler Chris is just plain lucky, said the surgeon who spent eight 
hours reattaching the penis.Believe it or not, the perfume turned out 
to be very fortuitous.The high alcohol content, which must have been 
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it 
being removed, the damage caused by the dog’s teeth to the penis per se 
is minimal.It’s really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter 
stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of 
this. Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he 
had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid 
choices as listed below:

1.	The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;

2.	The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial 
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns 
in public places;

3.	To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car 
parked at the front door; and

4.	An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee 
before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and 
fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, 
removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their 
guns, but didn’t fire. No one else was hurt.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow 
bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would 
protect him against a knife attack.It didn’t, and the 25-year-old 
guard died of a heart wound.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------

In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to 
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose 
around his neck.He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock.He 
drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot 
himself at the last moment.He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet 
missed him completely and cut through the rope above him.Free of the 
threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking 
extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.He was dragged 
out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where 
he died of hypothermia.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

And the winner is:

Japan Times-April 16, 1997 The government must crack down on this 
disgusting craze of Pumping, a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima 
hospital told reporters. If this perversion catches on, it will destroy 
the cream of Thailand’s manhood.He was speaking after the remains of 
13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital’s 
emergency room.Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump, he 
explained, inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves 
a rush of air, creating a momentary high.This act is a sin against 
God.Charnchai took it further still.He started using a two-cylinder 
foot pump, but even that wasn’t exciting enough for him, and he boasted 
to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby 
gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, 
he snuck in.Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted 
the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.As a 
result, he died virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in shock.
One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and 
started clapping.We still haven’t located all of him., say the 
police authorities.When that quantity of air interacted with the gas 
in his system, he nearly exploded.It was like a bomb went off or 
something.Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to 
Satan, Ratchasima concluded.Inflate your tires by all means, but 
then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.



H="Darwin Awards 1999"
Yes, it is the Finalists of the 1999 Darwin Awards. 

For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware
of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually
(and posthumously) to those individuals who did the
most for the human gene pool by removing themselves
from it.

GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday
after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy
little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump
off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.Fairfax
County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end
around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle
at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. 
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby."The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground,"Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."An
autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming
Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test
fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that
their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a
several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation
storage tank.Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
producing a fireball seen for miles. They were
launched several hundred feet into the air and were
found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.

DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the
other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not
our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum
bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up,
spread his arms wide(crucifixion style)and shouted:
"HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God
delivered.The other two passengers on the boat
survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

CATCH! 
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal
you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a
candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch
with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from
here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate)
was hospitalized.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but
he qualifies nonetheless.You see, there was a
gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cellphone,
more or less.He was doing the usual "walking and
talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to
somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next
time you decide to drive and dial at the same time. 

GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of gas.Sensibly,
management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
from the gas company were dispatched.Upon entering
the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark.To their frustration, none of
the lights worked.Witnesses later described the
vision of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a
lighter.Upon operation of the lighter* like object,
the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of
causing the explosion had never been thought of as
"bright" by his peers.

RUNNER UPS.. KRAZY-GLUE RHINO 
Although he didn't kick the bucket (hence runner-up),
the following story receives an Honorable Mention. A
Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a
difficult position yesterday.While touring the
Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of
thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went
overboard to show them one of America's many marvels.
He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" the
hard way.Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to
demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,so he put
about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his
hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a
passing rhino.The rhino, a resident of the zoo for
the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as
it has been part of the petting exhibit since its
arrival as a baby.However, once it became aware of
its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began
to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making
Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger."Sally [the
rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately.She had been
very constipated.We had just given her a laxative
and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.
Demuth played his juvenile prank, " said James
Douglass, caretaker.During Sally's tirade two fences
were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of
small animals escaped.Also, during the stampede,
three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. 
As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo
caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks. 
First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down.
However, during this process the laxatives began to
take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with
over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea."It was tricky. We
had to calm her down, while at the same time shield
our faces from being pelted with rhino dung.I guess
you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his
neck.Once she was under control, we had three people
with shovels working to keep an air passage open for
Mr. Demuth.We were able to tranquilize her and apply
a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said
Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy
Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while
obviously amused, also were impressed with the power
of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my
children, but of course they can't take it to the
zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the
troupe.

CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
Even though the cleaning lady in this story didn't die
(another runner-up since she doesn't qualify), she
greatly aided several in hastening their trip to see
the Almighty.."For several months, our nurses have
been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed
every Friday morning" a spokes woman for the Pelonomi
Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters. 
"There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths,
and extensive checks on the air conditioning system,
and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed
to reveal any clues.""However, further inquiries
have now revealed the cause of these deaths... "It
seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would
enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the
patient's life support system, plug her floor polisher
into the vacant socket, then go about her business.
When she had finished her chores, she would plug the
life support machine back in and leave, unaware that
the patient was now dead.She could not, after all,
hear the death rattle and eventual solid beep over the
whirring of her polisher"."We are sorry, and have
sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. 
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department
is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra
socket, so there should be no repetition of this
incident. The inquiry is now closed." 


H="Darwin Awards 1999-2"
DARWIN AWARD - POTENTIAL 1999 AWARD CANDIDATES: 

In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in 
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide 
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, 
who "totally zoned out when he ran," according to his wife, 
accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. 

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug 
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. 
Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, 
or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair 
at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, 
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. 
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, 
trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, 
but could not reach him. 
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free 
him while about 200 people looked on. 
Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he 
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was 
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed 
in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his 
skull as he hit the floor. 

According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, 
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, 
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak 
vest that Berrena was wearing. 

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, 
Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a 
revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the 
trigger. 

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a 
tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. 

DARWIN AWARD - HONORABLE MENTIONS 

In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede 
with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off 
a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, 
fracturing his skull. 

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out 
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a 
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second 
floors of his house. 

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in 
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of 
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the 
bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to 
see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the 
window was closed. 

In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five 
days of amateur bullfighting. 
This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, 
including one gored in the head, and one Bobbittized. 
Said one participant, 
"It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons." 





AND THE WINNER: 

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo-keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his 
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a 
bushel of berries, figs, 
and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, 
and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! 
Investigators say that the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, 
was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema 
when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. 
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked 
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, 
where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant 
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," 
said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. 
"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung 
for at least an hour before a watchman came along, 
and during that time, the keeper suffocated. 
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen." 

H="Dead Donkey"
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." 

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." 

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, 

"OK then, just unload the donkey." 

The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?" 

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." 

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" 

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." 

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" 

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00." 

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" 

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." 

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron. 


H="Dead Engineer"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
 
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
 
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
 
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
 
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
 
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
 
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
 
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


H="Deaf Man at Doctor's"
An old man had a doctor's appointment and as he was a little on the deaf side, his wife had to accompany him to make sure she knew what was going on and also to explain to her husband in case he didn't hear the doctor.

"OK," said the doctor, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man didn't hear the doctor so he turned to his wife and yelled, "What does he want?"

The old lady yelled back to her husband, "He wants you to leave your underpants here."



H="Defective Parrot"
Defective Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" 

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." 

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." 

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?" 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion." 

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that." 

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer." 

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman." 

"What?" asks the guy. 

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth." 

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" 

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time... 

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. 

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch." 

H="Depressed Pet"
The Top 15 Signs Your Pet is Depressed

15 Has begun chasing oncoming cars.

14 Your fish purchases a rope and a helium balloon.

13 Fluffy stops leaving dead mice on doormat, starts leaving
Marilyn Manson CDs.

12 Refuses to eat Friskies, now eats only Gloomies.

11 Keeps trying to throw himself under that Chuck Wagon.

10 Your pit bull can only muster up the energy to maim,
not to kill.

9 "Yo quiero Prozac."

8 You catch him with his head in the toilet bowl -- and
he's a goldfish.

7 Rover used to be so energetic, but now he just stands there
and lets the Frisbee bounce off the side of his head.

6 Eats Ben and Jerry's "Toilet Water Crunch" like it's going
out of style.

5 Keeps running at the electric fence with the sprinkler
in his mouth.

4 Obligingly thrusts at your leg for a few seconds and then
wanders off to watch TV.

3 Your dog won't eat his food -- not even Purina's new
Anus 'n' Scrotum flavor.

2 He lies on his back in the gerbil wheel for hours at a time,
smoking cigarettes and staring at the top of his cage.

1 Three words: "Ruck Roo, Reorge."



H="Diets"
ITALIAN PASTA DIET IT REALLY WORKS!!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.Speaking English is apparently what kills you


H="Direct Line to God"
Direct Line to God

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. 

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Indiana. Upon entering a church in Boonville, Indiana, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." 

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute - your charge is only 35 cents. How can this be?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Indiana now..... it's a local call!

H="Dirty Grandpa"
Dirty Grandpa

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday,
so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I
am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy
exclaims.

Next he goes in the garage, walks up to his grandpa, and says, "Bet
cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandpa says and sticks his hand in his
trousers.

He plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them;
moving them back and forth), takes his hand out of his trousers, and
says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandpa replied, "I heard you tell your father".

H="Dog and Leopard"
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

H="Dog's Funeral"
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?!?"



H="Don't Lie to Mom"
Don't Lie To Your Mom 

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." 

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." 

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John" 

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"


H="Dopey and the Pope"
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the Snow White's house one day
when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see
the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we
finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six.All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go
ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"



H="Dr Seuss Tongue Twister"
This is Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister.Take your time and see
if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
down.

H="Dr. Laura Fan Letter"
Dear Dr. Laura, 

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I 
have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge 
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the 
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need 
some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and 
how to best follow them. 

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a 
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They 
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this? 

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for 
her? 

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her 
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how 
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around 
us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not 
Canadians. Can you clarify? 

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill 
him myself? 

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an 
abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. 
I don't agree. Can you settle this? 

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a 
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my 
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
 including thehair around their temples, even though
this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27.How should
they die?
 
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
 
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble ofgetting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you 
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal 
and unchanging. 



YOU ARE GOING TO HELL IF YOU.... 

...eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23] 
...cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19] 
...grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19] 
...wear a cotton-polyester blend T-Shirt. [Lev. 19:19] 
...read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26] 
...consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31] 
...cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27] 
...trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27] 
...are tatooed. [Lev. 19:28] 
...plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10- 13] 
...bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17] 
...collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24] 
...insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27] 
...mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9] 
...spread false rumors. [Ex. 23:1] (Sorry, Pat Robertson!) 
...drive a Mercury. [Ex. 23:13] (Look it up.) 




H="Drinking Farmer"
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. 
Man: So what happened that's so horrible? 
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. 
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. 
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. 

Man: So what happened then? 
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. 
Man: And then? 
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. 
Man: Again? 
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. 

Man: So, what did you do then? 
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. 
Man: And then? 
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. 
Man: Hmmm... 
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. 

Man: So, what did you do? 
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain. 

H="Dumps"
	The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

 The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

 The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

 The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

 The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

 The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

 The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

 The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

 The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

 The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

 The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

 The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

 The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

 The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

 The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

 The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

H="Ed Zachary Disease"
Remember your Chinese accent while reading. 

Ed Zachary Disease 

A gay man was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. He was becoming agitated and worried that he might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to his problem, he decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, he came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang. 

When the man arrived, he told the doctor his symptoms, and the doctor said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor." 

He crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now... you crawl real fass back to me," and he did. 

Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary Disease... worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem." 

The man was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and the doctor replied, 

"Ed Zachary Disease... that when your face look ED-ZACHARY like your ass!" 


H="Elvis and Jesus"
Elvis - Jesus Similarities:

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM,1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers.
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.


H="Employee Handbook"
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders category".
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

H="English"

Why English is a difficult language to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


H="English Class"
RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted)

English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday


Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered, tedious, neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.


H="Fables"
Lesson number one:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson number two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.""Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients." 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there for long.


Lesson number three:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."The hands said, " we should be theBoss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

H="Fabulous"
10 Things that would be different if the 12 apostles had been gay!

10) The Last Supper would have been brunch.

9) The beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..."

8) Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number
with lots of ostrich feathers, palm fronds and a large oyster shell, instead
of just a donkey.

7) The water at the wedding feast of Canna would not have been changed to
wine, but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for
color.

6) The temple would not only have been cleansed of money changers, but
redecorated as well.

5) Mary's hair would have been flawless.

4) The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Lance and Blake.

3) Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys....wait...Never mind.

2) Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.

1) The sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

H="Fairy Tales for Today"
CINDERELLA 
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother."Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.""I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PINOCCHIO 
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain About splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied,"Who needs a girlfriend?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RED RIDING HOOD 
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're goingto eat me, just like it says in the book!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MICKEY MOUSE 
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court And the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SNOW WHITE 
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming,"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh.....by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?


H="Farters Categorized"
FARTERS CATEGORIZED

Antisocial Farter: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

Amiable Farter: One who loves the smell of other peoples' farts.

Athletic Farter: One who farts at the slightest exertion.

Bruise Farter: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.

Dishonest Farter: One who farts and then blames the dog or the kid.

Environmental Farter: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.

Foolish Farter: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

Female (Dishonest) Farter: They let you think they don't fart until you marry them.

Honest Farter: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.

Impudent Farter: One who farts loudly and then laughs.

Lean Farter: One who has to lean to one side to let a fart out.

Intellectual Farter: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.

Miserable Farter: One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.

Musical Farter: One who farts and you can name that tune.

Nervous Farter: One who stops in the middle of a fart.

Poop-Toot: One whose farts let him know when a poop is coming through the tunnel.

Proper Farter: One who always tries to punctuate his farts, Borga style.

Proud Farter: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

Sadistic Farter: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mate's head.

Scientific Farter: One who tries to determine what caused the fart.

Sensitive Farter: One who farts and then bursts into tears.

Shy Farter: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

Snob Farter: One who thinks their poop doesn't smell but whose farts give them away.

Strategic Farter: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.

Syllable Farter: One who only lets one puff at a time.

Thrifty Farter: One who always has several farts in reserve.

Unfortunate Farter: One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.

Vain Farter: One who loves the smell of his own farts. 


H="Father on the Subway"
FATHERS 

An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" 

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". 

The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" 

The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". 

The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" 

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people. 

"The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards." 



H="Father's Job"
FATHERLY JOBS

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your Father?"

He then replied...

"Nope, he plays for the Chicago Cubs, but I was too embarrassed to say so."


H="First Grade"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" 

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test. 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" 

Harry: "9." 


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" 

Harry: "36." 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." 

The principal and Harry both agreed. 



Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" 




Harry, after a moment: "Legs." 



Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" 



The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 





Harry replied: "Pockets." 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" 





Harry: "Pants." 

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" 





Harry: "Coconut." 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" 





The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" 





Harry: "Shake hands." 

The principal was trembling. 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" 







Harry: "Firetruck." 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "



H="Flying Turtle"
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

H="Foot Circles"
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot.
But you can't!!!
 
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.
 
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.Your foot will change direction!!!
 
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
 
Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to
believe it either!!!


H="Free Beer"
Bruce and Trev were down on their luck and needed a beer. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.
 
"I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

He went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Trev's fly!
 
They then went to a nearby bar.
 
"Two beers", said Bruce to the barman.They downed them as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Trev's fly.
 
"Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!", the barman screamed and booted them out the door.
 
They did this all day, going to about 16 bars, and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.
 
"I just can't do this anymore", Bruce whined, "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We'll have to swap places."
 
"We can't", said Trev, "We lost the sausage after the third pub!"


H="Gay Family"
EVERYBODY IS GAY

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas." The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..." 

H="Gay Marriage Canada"
CANADA DESTROYS U.S. MARRIAGE

NP WIRE...KANSAS CITY:

GAY CANADA MARRIAGES DESTROY U.S. MARRIAGE...

John and Kathy Fleming, happily married for 18 years and the proud parents of three heterosexual children, woke up this morning to discover that the predictions of Christian leaders about the consequences of gay couples being allowed to marry had come true: Their own marriage was destroyed.

"Our Pastor said this would happen if homosexuals started marrying legally," sniffled Kathy, "and he was right. When I woke up this morning, my wedding ring had vanished!"

"Mine too," said a teary-eyed John. "Not only that, but when I looked for our wedding license in my file drawer, all I found was a pile of ashes. All the pictures in our wedding album are charred and blackened. And now I have this insatiable urge to go to a gay bar and pick up a man!"

When asked to comment for this story, Christian leaders from James Hobson to Jerry Balwell to Prat Robertson reacted with sadness and regret to the news of the Fleming's sorrows, but each warned that the worst was yet to come.

"We've been telling you over and over that when gays got the right to marry, Traditional Christian Marriages were going to be devalued, demeaned and destroyed," pronounced Hobson in a telephone interview from his Colorado home. "Well, now you see we were righteous prophets. In the days ahead, there will be millions more marriages destroyed just like the Fleming's...licenses going up in smoke, wedding rings disappearing into thin air, people and their children turning to sodomy, incest, and bestiality...all because, due to Canada's secular-humanist satanic decision, God has lifted His Protecting Hand from America's families.

"In fact, I've just noticed how attractive my collie, who I affectionally named 'Phyllis Schlafly,' is looking this morning, so I've slain a lamb and painted an 'X' on my front door...I'm praying fervently that God will let this plague pass over my home," concluded the national Christian leader.

SIDEBAR, BUSINESS NEWS: SHEEP-RANCHERS PREPARE FOR SUDDEN RISE IN DEMAND FOR LIVE LAMBS. (STORY TO FOLLOW)


H="Gay Q&A"
Q: What is the difference between a lesbian and a dyke? 
A: About $30,000 per year. 

Q: Are lesbians and gays born that way? 
A: No, we are conceived that way. Consider it an act of intervention. 

Q: How do you become a homosexual? 
A: Well, first there's the talent competition, then evening wear, and of 
course, the all-important swimsuit competition. The truth? Well, first 
there's the general aptitude test, then there's the spatial relations 
section, then the all important test of eye-hand coordination. 

Q: Does just one homosexual experience make you lesbian or gay? 
A: Absolutely. In fact, if you've even had so much as a homosexual 
thought, you're automatically lesbian or gay. So if you have any 
homosexual 
experiences, turn yourself in to your nearest gay or lesbian center and 
register immediately. Your gay I.D will be sent to you within 10 working 
days. 
Q: Is being homosexual natural? 
A: Not only that, but for lesbians it's often organic. 

Q: Aren't gay people the result of domineering mothers and passive 
fathers? 
A: No, they are the result of passive mothers and domineering fathers. 
No, 
wait -- I think that's hyperactive sister and passive-aggressive brothers. 
Or possibly the result of sluggish cousins. What the hell, let's blame it 
on the family dog. 

Q: Is homosexuality a mental illness? 
A: No, but homophobia is. 

Q: I am white and I recently met a black woman who told me she was a 
lesbian. Are all black people gay? 
A: This is a real question. I attended an Unlearning Racism workshop 
where 
an African American lesbian said she'd actually been asked this! No, not 
all black people are gay. This question can't help but make one wonder, 
however, "Are all white people this stupid?" 

Q: What is the homosexual agenda? 
A: The homosexual agenda is a figment of the religious right's 
imagination. 
"They're always talking about the homosexual agenda, as if all queers 
could agree on anything. We can't even decide what to call ourselves." 

Q: Why do lesbians want to look like men? 
A: We like to tease straight women. 

Q: Can you be seduced into being gay? 
A: Is that an offer? 

Q: What is the meaning of the rainbow flag? 
A: The rainbow flag represents the concept that gay, lesbian, and bi 
communities are composed of people from all backgrounds and experiences. 
Now 
if we could all work together as closely as the stripes in the flag, we'd 
really get somewhere. 

Q: Why do some lesbians, bisexuals, and gay men use the word "queer" to 
describe themselves? 
A: Because it's a whole lot simpler to say "queer community" than 
"lesbian, 
bisexual, and gay community." Not to mention, "lesbian, bisexual, gay, 
and 
transgendered community." We're activists and we don't have time to mess 
around with long, awkward terminology. 

Q: What does the Bible say about homosexuality? 
A: Love thy neighbor, last time I checked. 

Q: But what about Leviticus 18:22? 
A: Biblical scholars have really missed the boat with this one. The 
verse, 
which reads, "though shalt not lie with a man as with a woman. It is an 
abomination" is not about same gender relations at all. It is actually 
about military preparedness. You see, God knows exactly how men lie with 
women. They hog the bed, steal sheets, and snore. Biblical women put up 
with this. So, in order to keep the Israelite army strong, with Leviticus 
18:22, God is instructing men to either improve their manners in bed or 
sleep on the ground. How many clergy could derive an anti-gay message out 
of that simple verse is beyond me. -- note: If someone should ask you 
this, simply reply 
"Why do you assume that I am a Christian? Further, my religious beliefs 
are 
not up for examination." 

Q: What kind of sex do lesbians and gay men have? 
A: Great sex. 

Q: What is safer sex? 
A: When you live in Boston and your lover lives in San Diego. 

Q: If lesbians like to use dildos, why don't they like penises? 
A: After sex, dildos go back in the drawer. 

Q: Do all lesbians use dildos? 
A: No. First of all, in order to be allowed to use a dildo, all lesbians 
must pass the official "I will not confuse my dildo with a penis nor will I 
secretly fantasize that my female lover is a man" test. Even then, some 
refuse to use dildos, often for no other reason than that the name is so 
silly. 

Q: I've heard that a disproportionate number of gays and lesbians have 
homosexual siblings. Does this mean that homosexuality is genetic? 
A: No, it means it's contagious. 

Q: In a lesbian relationship, who decides who gets to be the man? 
A: It's two women. There is no man. That's the point. 

H="Gender definitions"
Definitions by Gender
-----------------------

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male:Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male:Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male:what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male:Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male:Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male:An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female:A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.


H="Genie Jokes"
Billy, Johnny and David, three six year old boys, were
playing in the woods when Johnny found an old oil
lamp. 
"Cor," Billy said. "That's prob'ly one of those Genie
lamps wot I keep reading about. Give it a rub and
we'll have three wishes or sumfink." 


"Hang on a minute," said David. "I've read about these
Genies too and they always tries to trick you into
having sumfink you don't want. We ought to think about
this first." 


"Well I know wot I want," Billy said. "I'm going to
ask if my body could be covered in Gold so's I can
scrape it all off and buy a car and park it right
outside my house." 


"Yeah," David joined in. "Only I'm going to ask if my
body could be covered in platinum, an' then I'm going
to buy two cars to park outside my house. 


"Well," retorted Johnny. "That is a good idea but you
should axe for your body to be covered in hair 'cos my
sister's only got a little patch on her and you should
see the cars lined up outside my house!" 




Two guys in a locker room after their racquetball
game. 


One guy notices that the other has a cork in his butt.
"If you don't mind my mentioning it", he says, "that
cork looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it
out?" 


"I can't," laments the first one. "It's permanent" 


"I don't understand," says guy two. 


First guy says. "I was walking along the beach when I
tripped over an oil lamp and a big puff of smoke
happened. Then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.



He said, "I am Hassan the genie. I can grant you one
wish." 


And I said, "No shit!" 




A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a
Genie Bottle. He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He
makes three wishes. 
When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and
outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking
back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee
table. Opening it he sees $20 million. 


"Wow, my first two wishes have come true!" he yells. 


He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he
hears another knock on the door. When he opens the
door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys. 


First, they beat the shit out of him, then they tar
and feather him. They take him out back and lynch him.
When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their
hoods off. 


It turns out they are the Genies. The first Genie
turns to the second and says, "You know, I can
understand his first two wishes, but why would he want
to be hung like a black man?" 



One day, about the time of his impeachment, Bill
Clinton found a Genie's bottle on the beach. Bill
rubbed the bottle and a Genie came out, promising
three wishes. 


Bill's first wish was that the scandal had never
happened in the first place. The genie snapped her
fingers and none of it had happened.


Bill's second wish was for Hillary not to say too much
that might make things worse. The Genie snapped her
fingers and Hillary's mouth sealed tight.


For his last wish, Bill Clinton wished for his love
handles to disappear. The genie snapped her fingers,
and Monica's ears fell off. 



A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and
kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of
the bottle comes a genie. 


The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you
want." 


The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like
drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to
drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." 


The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets
home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses
into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks
like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like
vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted. 


The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come
quickly." 


She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.
He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is
reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the
best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and
party all night. 


The next night the Russian comes home from work and
tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is
the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up. 


Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his
wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka. 


She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only
need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says,
"Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle." 




H="Genisis"
Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS.... 

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

	Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

	He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.She will always agree with every decision you make.She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

	Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" 

	God replied, "An arm and a leg." 

	Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

H="George Carlin"
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and 
apes? 

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all 
the bad girls live. 

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help 
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't 
going as ghosts but as mattresses? 

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and 
there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, 
is it considered a hostage situation? 

11. Is there another word for synonym? 

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" 

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an 
endangered plant? 

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone 
will clean them? 

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to 
remain silent? 

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 

23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 

28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 

29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 

30. How is it possible to have a civil war? 

31. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 

32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 

33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 

34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 

36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 

37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? 

38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 

39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? 

40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a 
plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? 

41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 



H="George Carlin 2"

The paradox of our time in history is that we have

taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider

freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,

but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have

bigger houses and smaller families, more

conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees

but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but

less wellness.


We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too

recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get

too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read

too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our

values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate

too often.


We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've

been all the way to the moon and back, but have

trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've

done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.


We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We

write more, but learn less. We plan more, but

accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to

wait. We build more computers to hold more

information, to produce more copies than ever, but

we communicate less and less.


These are the times of fast foods and slow

digestion, big men and small character, steep

profits and shallow relationships. These are the

days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier

houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick

trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one

night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do

everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

 

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and

nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can

bring this letter to you, and a time when you can

choose either to share this insight, or to just hit

delete.


Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,

because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to

you in awe, because that little person soon will

grow up and leave your side.


Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,

because that is the only treasure you can give with

your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and

your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and

an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep

inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for

someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time

to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we

take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....who cares?

George Carlin


H="George Dubya"

Subject: Candidate bio for George W Bush
George W. Bush
The White House, USA 
Past Work Experience
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie. (Texas Chainsaw Masacre)

I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; the company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With my father's help and name, I was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments as Governor:

I changed pollution laws in favor of the power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any Governor in American history.

I became U.S. President after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes with the help of major Enron money and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as President:

I attacked and overtook two countries.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

My record for environmental issues is the least of my concerns.

I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.

After taking-off the entire month of August, I then presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I am supporting development of a "Tactical Bunker Buster" nuke, a WMD.

I am getting our troops killed, under the lie of Sadam's procurement of Yellow Cake Nuke WMD components, then blaming the lie on our British friends.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. president.

In my first year in office over 2-million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any president in U.S. history.

I set the record for least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.

I signed more laws and executive orders effectively amending or ignoring the Constitution than any president in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use national reserves as past presidents have done.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people) shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I've dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.

I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.

My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have almost all 50 states of the Union simultaneously suffer massive financial crisis.

I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in history.

I am the first president in U.S. history to order a pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

I created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.

I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in history.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Elections Monitoring Board.

I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.

I rendered the entire United Nations viewpoints irrelevant.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" (detainees) and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first president in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation) presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history.

My political party used the Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most resented country in the world, possibly the largest failure of diplomacy in World history.

I am actively working on a policy of "disengagement" creating the most hostile of Israel-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.

I am the first president in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am the first U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I set an all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling their huge personal investments in corporations bidding for U.S. contracts.

I failed to fulfill my pledge to capture Osama Bin Laden, dead or alive.

I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the U.S. Capitol Building. Even now, I have no leads and no credible suspects.

In the past 18 months following the World Trade Center attack I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.

I removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any president in U.S. history.

In a little over two years, I created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided since the Civil War.

I entered my office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and have turned every single economic category downward -- all in less than two years.

Records and References:

I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine.

My Texas driving record has been erased and is not available.

I was AWOL from the National Guard.

I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed, and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

~ Please consider my experience when voting in 2004. ~

Send this to every voter you know.


H="Getting Into Heaven"
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at
the
Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. 
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all
around
were her parents and all the other people she had
loved and who had died before her. 

They saw her and began calling greetings to her: 
"Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you.
Good
to see you." 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This
is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?" 

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. 

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love." 

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint
Peter
welcomed her into Heaven. 

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and
asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that
day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of
Heaven,
her husband arrived. 

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How
have
you been?" 

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her
husband told her. "I married the beautiful young
nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And
then I won the lottery. I sold the little house 
you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my
wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on
vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the
ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" 

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. 

"Which word?" her husband asked. 

"Czechoslovakia."

H="God's Extra Gifts"
	Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things in his bag of creations, and so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

	He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." 

	Adam jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, it'd be so cool. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

	Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given the ability to stand up and pee. 

And so it was. And it was, well... good. 

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."


H="Golden Frog"
Bjorn the Bear and Wally the Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bearsin the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr.Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!



H="Golf 1"
Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I have been a hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?

H="Golf Balls"

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee. 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items infront of him.When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.He then asked the students if the jar was full.They agreed that it was. 

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.He shook the jar lightly.The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was. 

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.He asked once more if the jar was full.The students responded with an unanimous "yes." 

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table andpoured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed. 

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. 

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. 

The sand is everything else---the small stuff."If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.The same goes for life.If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. 

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.Play with your children.Take time to get medical checkups.Take yourspouse out to dinner.Play another 18.There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.Set your priorities.The rest is just sand." 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.The professor smiled."I'm glad you asked. 

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."





H="Growing Older"

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 




GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.






THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.



H="Guide Dog"
A visitor to San Francisco is standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog.

The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. 

The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."

The blind man turns to the visitor and says, 

"No, I'm gonna kick that dogs butt--

I'm just trying to find out which end is which." 


H="Guns vs. Women"
 Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN


H="Guy Rules"
The Guys' Rules 

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) 

We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 

1. Men ARE not mind readers. 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do ityourself. 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. 

1. If we ask wha t is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 


H="Hair Color"
A blond dyes her hair to brown to look smarter. One day she's driving and sees a farm. She stops and asks the farmer, if she can guess how many sheep he has, will he give her one for free?He said yes and she guesses 150 sheep, which was correct.He lets her pick which sheep she wants.As she is loading it into her car he says, "If i can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

H="Half-Sister"
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. 

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." 

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." 

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father." 

H="Hallmark Rejects"
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.

2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.

3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!

4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.

8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95. 

9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry 

10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.


H="Halloween Party"
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. 
She got a headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. 
Being a devoted husband he protested, 
but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, 
and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. 
So he took his costume and away he went. 

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, 
awakened without pain; and decided to go to the party after all. 
In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, 
she thought she'd have some fun by watching her 
husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around. 

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around 
on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, 
getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. 

His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, 
he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time 
to this new babe who had just arrived. 

She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. 
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, 
and so off they went! 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, 
put the costume away and got into bed, 
wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior. 
She was sitting up reading when he came in. 

She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. 
You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." 
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" 

He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. 
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, 
so we went into the den and played poker all evening. 
But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, 
sure had a real good time!" 

H="Ham"
"Rabbi", asks the priest, "confess. Have you never in your entire life given in to curiousity and tasted ham?" 

"Well", responds the rabbi, "once, when I was younger and not yet a rabbi. Now you tell me, have you never had sex with a woman?" 

"Well", says the priest, "once, before I had taken my vows." 

"Ah ha", goes the rabbi. "It was better than ham, wasn't it?" 

H="Hat Check Girl"
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He asked 
the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he 
started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy 
man. 

"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." 

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in 
the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex. 

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page 
where someone wrote in pencil: "The hat check girl puts out!" 

H="Hate Fridays"
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think?I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.You
a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
 
Satan: Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and
fresca, we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we
don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
 
Satan: You a smoker?
 
Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right!You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get
cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow, that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: 'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever.If you go bankrupt... you're dead
anyhow.

What about Drugs?!?
 
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You're going to hate Fridays.

H="Headlines"
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies


Deer Kill 17,328 (NRA)

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies(Goodhue County public health)

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash (American Family life insurance claim assessor)

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide , RW Police Dept

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half(RW School board)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (Goodhue county social service)

Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty(Senator Steve Murphy D MN)

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni (Goodhue County recycling center)

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies , (Hannibal)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say (northwestairline executive)

Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found(RWPD top detective)

Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00.(IRS)

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge


H="Hearing Aid"
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he
felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they
run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to
$2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just
stick this button in your ear and run this little string
down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But
when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

H="Heaven Closed for Remodeling"
One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!" 

The one nun said, "Well, were're dead and we can't go back." 

"Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun. 

"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun. "Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc." 

BOOM!!! The first nun becomes Joan of Arc. 

"Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?" "! ! Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. 

BOOM!!! The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe. 

"Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter saya to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." 

"Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaimes the nun. 

St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter. 

"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. 	St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."


H="Heaven's Gates"
 A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia." 

H="Hellman's on the Titanic"
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

H="HMO Surgery"
Quality Surgery

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barrelled shotgun.

As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it.

As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." 

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?" 

"No," Doc replies, "He's a musician... he plays the flute.He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."


H="Holy Water"
Holy water...........


Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard
 turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles.
 The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little
 Johnny replied,"I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the
 world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the
 most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you
 put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this
on a cat's butt, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"

H="Honest Applicant"
An Honest Walmart Job Applicant

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas ... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Hillbilly George.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: The job sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealth! y & dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGNSagittarius









H="Hooker Finance"
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. 

She said "Well, he was a big muscular and handsome sailor." 

"Well, what did he want to do?" They all asked. 

She said "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much." 

So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either." 

"Finally I said, well how much do you have?" 

The sailor said that he only had $25. 

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand." 

He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand." 

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge!Then what did you do?" 

"I loaned him $75!" she said. 




H="Horse and Chicken"

A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow.The horse fell
into a mud hole and was sinking.He called to the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him out.

The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer couldn't be found.So the 
chicken drove the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and tied some
rope around the bumper.He threw the other end of the rope to the horse
and drove the car forward and saved the horse from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow
again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.The chicken yelled to the
horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, 

"I think I can stand over the hole!"

So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 

"Grab my penis and pull yourself up."

The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up chicks.


H="How to Sell Toohbrushes"
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep themup on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually,it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her
breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467," he said. 

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed theteacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make thatmuch money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand.I gave everybody who walked by a sample.They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" 

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"



H="Humming Sound"
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed. 

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." 

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed. 

The daughter replied "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." 

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. 

"What are you doing?" she asked. 

He replied, "Watching the Laker game with my son-in-law."


H="Hunting"
One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area.

He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down. It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"

H="Hunting 2"
One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

H="Hunting 3"
Three guys went hunting.

1st one admits he had to cook, clean, wine and dine his wife to get permission.
2nd one admitted he had to entertain his wife's mother, paint the house and garage.
3rd guy admits nothing.

The first two guys stop and ask, "hey, we spilled our guts, what about you, what'd you have to do?"

3rd guy says, "I set my alarm for 30 minutes early, rolled over slapped her on the hiney and said, "hunting or sex?" She said "you'd better take an extra sweater, it's going to be cold out there!"

H="Hunting Moose"
Two Polish hunters get a pilot to fly them up to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck one Polock asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

H="Hypnotist"
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. 

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. 

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

..........."SHIT!" said the Hypnotist......

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center

H="If Microsoft built Cars.."
The top 14 ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car'95 or car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car... Wait a sec, it's that way NOW!

6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.

10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.

12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of GIVING them.

13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size butt.

14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.


H="Indian Physical"
The Indian Maid


A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests,the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could findno problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well,you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor."I'd like to write this upfor 
The South Carolina Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called..."

(I hate to do this to you)

"The Indian-nippless Five Hundred."



H="Indiana"
 
 
 If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Indiana.
 
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you mightlive in Indiana. 

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Indiana. 

If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there, youmight live in Indiana. 

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of hisforehead, you might live in Indiana. 

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live inIndiana. 

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live inIndiana. 

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Indiana. 


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Indianan WHEN: 
1. Vacation means going north or south on I 65 for the weekend. 

2. You measure distance in hours. 

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 

4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again. 

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events including weddings. 

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 

9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 

11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, roadconstruction, & It's Hot. 

12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to yourblue spruce. 

13. Down south means Kentucky to you. 

14. A brat is something you eat. 

15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 

16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday. 

17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 

18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly". 

19. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Indiana friends. (What's not to understand???) 
 

H="Instructions for Life"
This is a simple way to a nice calm happy life! This is nice reading, but short. Enjoy! This is what The Dalai Lamahas to say on the millennium. All it takes is a fewseconds to read and think it over. Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave our hands within 96hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This istrue even if you are not superstitious.

I N S T R U C T I O N S F O RL I F E

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge.It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.


H="Irish Jokes"
 "I've Lost Me Luggage"

 An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
 around the terminal with tears streaming down his
 cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
 already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've
 lost all me luggage!"
 "How'd that happen?"
 "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

 """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

 "Water to Wine"

 An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
 stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state
 trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
 then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
 He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
 "Just water," says the priest.
 The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
 The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
 He's done it again!"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 "The Brothel"

 Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching
 the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister
 walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a
 shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
 Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
 Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are
 fallin' victim to temptation."
 Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one
 of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the
 girls must be quite ill."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 "Lost at Sea"

 Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat
 following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While
 rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled
 across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would
 appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement
 of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
 stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
 three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick
 blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
 The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and
 immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever
 sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
 Only he gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the
 stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
 Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been
 granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice
 going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Irish Prayer

 Murphy was staggering home with a pint of
 booze in his back pocket when he slipped
 and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet,
 he felt something wet running down his leg.
 "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be
 blood!!"

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 "Irish Shopping"

 McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered
 martini after martini, each time removing the
 olives and placing them in a jar. When the
 jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
 consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
 "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled
 over what McQuillan had done, "what was that
 all about?"
 "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just
 sent me out for a jar of olives!"


H="Italian on Beach"
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on Commercial Street in Provincetown.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks?No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio."I been-a inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi."What for you been-a in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da azho geztupo Park Ranger cops come, arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"

"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."


H="Jack Schitt"
AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
 
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and 0. Schitt.
 
Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married 0. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pizza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

H="Jesus and Satan Compute"
Jesus and Satan square off in Computer whiz competition!

Jerusalem - Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "it's gone! It's all gone! I Lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated. How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said "Jesus saves."

H="Jesus is Watching You"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?"

He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that wouldname a Rotweiller Jesus..."


H="Jet Fuel"
A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the 
hanger at JFK airport in New York; it's fogged over and they have 
nothing to do. 

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" 

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that 
will give you a buzz." So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get 
trashed and have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do. 

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up 
for fear his head will explode from the awful hangover he's going to 
have. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER! 

The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey how are you 
feeling this morning? I'm actually feeling really good!" The buddy 
says, "Me too! I feel great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No 
hangover...we ought to do this more often!" 

"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing...." "What's that?" 

"Did you fart yet?" 

"No...Why?" 

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!" 

H="Keep Me Horny"
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent." 

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" 

The guy says "Gimmee 3 boxes." 

The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black & blue, with skin hanging off in places. The man says "gimme a bottle of Deep Heat." To which the pharmacist replies "Deep Heat? You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?" 

The man replies "No it's for my arms; the girls didn't show up!!!"

H="Kentucky Jelly"
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste," the patient replied.

The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled "KY Jelly."


H="Kicking Mule"
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

H="Kids TV"
The Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television.
A couple of months ago he 'ousted' the apparently homosexual Tinky
Winky, a character from the "Teletubbies" show, because: 
1 He's purple, the gay color; 
2 He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and 
3 He carries a purse, something all gay people do. 


But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence below:

 FRED FLINTSONE
 1. His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-toes Flintstone."
 2. The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
 3. He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it.
 4. He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

 BUGS BUNNY
 1. Often stands with hand on hip.
 2. Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
 3. Frequently dresses in drag.
 4. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway
 show-tunes with his "buddy" Daffy-who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.

 POPEYE
 1. Eats lots of salad.
 2. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years.
 3. Does little sailor-dances.
 4. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl.
 5. Best friend named Wimpy.

 BATMAN & ROBIN.
 1. Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder.
 2. Batman's real name: Bruce.
 3. Both wear tights and hang out in a dark cave with an "older man."
 4. They're in great shape.
 5. They like to show each other their "grappling hooks."

 PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts)
 1. Has a deep, gravelly voice.
 2. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals.
 3. Plays a mean game of football.
 4. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown.
 5. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie.
 6. Wears comfortable shoes.
 7. Nickname: Sir.

 THE PINK PANTHER
 'Nuff said.



H="Kiss Tate Test"
WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?


Ateacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" 

"No, I don't," said the little boy. 

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work. 

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"


H="Labradors"
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow, and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed. The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?""He's gonna give me Prozac."came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it.It works for everything." 

The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?", the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellowlab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's for.

I'm ahumper," the black lab says."I'll hump anything.I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So,Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.



H="Landlord Letters"
ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS . . .
----------------------------------------------------

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.



H="Latex Factory"
LATEX FACTORY

A dentist was getting ready to clean a young guy's teeth.He noticed that the kid was a little nervous, so he began to tell him a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves."Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

The kid said, "Naw, I don't have any idea."

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands!Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

The kid didn't laugh one bit.

Five minutes into the procedure, the Dentist had to stop because the kid burst out laughing and exclaimed......... 

"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"



H="Lay Off"
Two Managers 


Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane. They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they lay off the first person who gets up form their desk.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water. One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane. 

Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..." 

Jane: "Well, Jack-off. I've got a headache." 

H="Leave Class Early"
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. 

The teacher says, "Whoever correctly answers the questions I ask first can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'For Score and Seven Years Ago'?" 

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". 

The teacher asked, "That's right Susie. You can go". 

Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first. 

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" 

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".

The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". 

Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first. 

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" 

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".

The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". 

Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first. 

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher exclaimed, "WHO SAID THAT?!?" 

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"


H="Lessons for Life"
(5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people. 


1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.


During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:


"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?


I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.


"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say "hello."


I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.


2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain


One night, a 11:30 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
put her into a taxicab.


She seemed t o be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached..


It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others."


Sincerely, 
Mrs. Nat King Cole.


3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
who serve.



In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.


"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.


"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.


The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.


"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.


By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.


"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.


The little boy again counted his coins.


"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.


The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies.. 


You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.


In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.


Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!


Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.


5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...


Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.


I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded. 


He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".


Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.



Now you have 2 choices.


1. Delete this email, or
2. Forward it to people you care about.
I hope that you will choose No. 2 and remember.


Most importantly.................. "Work like you
don't need the money, love like you've never been
hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."


NOW more than ever - Peace...Play It Forward

H="Letter to Santa"

When Little Johnny Went Bad... 

DEAR SANTA, 

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. 
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have 
occurred since the beginning of the month! 

While filled with illusion I wrote you this letter asking for a bicycle, 
an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. 

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first 
in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not 
going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood 
that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends 
and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly 
cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for 
humanity! 

WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, 
AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT PRICK? 
YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH 
SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE TREE. 

AS IF YOU HADN'T RAMMED IT UP ME FAR ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE 
SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK 
INTO HIS HOUSE WITHOUT TRIPPING OVER THEM! 

PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT THAT LARD ASS OF YOURS DOWN 
OUR CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL MAKE A BIG FIRE AND BURN YOUR BALLS WHEN 
YOU COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY. I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS 
REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM AWAY SO THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK THAT 
BIG FAT KEISTER OF YOURS ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE NORTH POLE, JUST LIKE I 
HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME NO FUCKING BIKE. 

WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU PUNK BITCH. 

Love always, 
Little Johnny 

H="Lexus"
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

H="Life of the Party"
LIFE OF THE PARTY!

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-sized hangover and asks his wife, "What the heck happened?" 

"As usual, you made an fool of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. 

"Piss on him!" answered the husband. 

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." 

"Well, screw him," said the husband. 

"I did, and you go back to work on Monday."

H="Life's Lessons"
LIFE'S LESSONS

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a
large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered
the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug
him out and ate him.

Life Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.



H="LightBulbs"
A Light Bulb

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,343 - 

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs;

53 to flame the spell checkers; 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"; another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;

156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l;

203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and to post the corrected URL's;

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;

33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too" or "I agree";

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ; 

44 to ask what is "FAQ";

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a long time ago on Usenet?"

143 to ask "what's a Usenet?"


H="Little Leroy"
Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. 

Dear Jesus, 
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new 
bicycle. 
Your Friend, 
Leroy. 

Now Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. 

Dear Jesus, 
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new 
bicycle. 
Yours Truly, 
Leroy. 

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. 

Dear Jesus, 
I've thought about being a good boy this year and 
can I have a bicycle? 
Leroy 

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. 

Jesus, 
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who. 

H="Lost Book of Genisis"
The Lost Book

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower, spinach, green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Crčme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yea," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. 

Then God created the healthy yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. 

God then said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to get up to change the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds. 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And more pounds were gained. 

God then gave lean beef so that Man and Woman might consume fewer calories and still satisfy their appetites. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then he said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yea! and super size'em." And Satan said "It is good." 

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. Then God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.

H="McCondom"

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's 
hamburger a few weeks ago. Here's David Letterman's Top Ten 
McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac: 

10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed." 
9. Condom, condiment - what's the damn difference? 
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe. 
7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake. 
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true. 
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal. 
4. Employees too embarrassed to ask, "Would you like a condom with that?" 
3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway. 
2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Cokes with lots of ice" sounds like 
"prophylactic device." 

And the number one McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful. 

H="Medical Science"
Modern Medicine at Its Best 

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." 

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." 

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: 

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks... 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated and came into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: 

	Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 

	Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

	Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

	Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

	And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

H="Monkey in Bar"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s 
drinking it, the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs 
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats 
them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his 
mouth and swallows it whole. 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?" 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. 

"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. 

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. 

"Now what?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep. 

"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


H="Moth Problem"
A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Well those little bastards!


H="Moving South"
Tips for Northerner Moving South

Save all manner of bacon grease.You will be instructed later how to use
it.

If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba".
You have a 75% chance of being right.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.



H="Mustard"
(This is a true story.) If you have children you will probably relate to this father. 

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. 

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. 

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. 

I love mustard. 

I had no napkin. 

I licked it off. 

It was not mustard. 

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. 

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard..."Poupon."


H="Napkins"

The Dinner Party 

My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first 
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the 
cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my 
mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong 
in the kitchen? 

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that 
those were for special occasions. 

Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks 
are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. 

Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to 
set the table. 

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst 
into laughter. 

Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. 

Next came my father, who roared with laughter. 

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each 
place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each 
plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the 
little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. 

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent 
the other adults into further fits of laughter. 

"But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!" 

H="Navajo Moon Message"
Subject: NASA and the Navajo Moon Men... (TRUE)

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, the astronauts did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across a member of the space crew.The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question - which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"

The astronaut said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, NASA asked the son to translate. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, NASA called in an official government translator.He reported the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."



H="Neil Armstrong"
(Not really a true story, but a persitant modern legend)

"When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" True story.


H="Neiman-Marcus Cookie"
Okay, everyone....a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A. Thought y'all might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet justice, if it can be called that. 

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and they said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Two fifty." I said with approval, just add it to my tab. 

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." Boy, was I upset!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a cookie recipe. 

I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our bakery recipes....the bill would stand. 

I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back. 

I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover will have a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will. 

So, here it is, and please pass it to someone else or run a few copies....I paid for it; now you can have it for free. 

(Recipe may be halved.): 

2 cups butter, 
4 cups flower, 
2 tsp. soda, 
2 cups sugar, 
5 cups blended oatmeal**, 
24 oz. chocolate chips, 
2 cups brown sugar, 
1 tsp. salt, 
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated), 
4 eggs, 
2 tsp. baking powder, 
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice), 
2 tsp. vanilla 

** measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.

Cream the butter and both sugars. 

Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. 

Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts.

Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. 

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. 

Have fun!!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story.. 



H="Nerds in Season"


This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not
Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says,
"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the
computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a
beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls
out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon
Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back
onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load
shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.
They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest
clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So,
remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming
at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

H="Nice Pigs"
	The President got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. 

	The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said: "Nice pigs, sir." 

	The President replied: "These are not just pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."

	The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, sir."

H="Night Before Christmas - Adult Version"
Twas the Night Before Christmas

Adult Version

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamppost, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"



H="Night Before Christmas -TexMex"
Twas the night before Christmas 
and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring 
-- Caramba! Que pasa?

Los ninos were tucked 
away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, 
some in pijamas,

While hanging the stockings 
with mucho cuidado
In hopes that old Santa 
would feel obligado

To bring all children, 
both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces 
and other regalos.

Outside in the yard 
there arose such a grito
That I jumped to my feet 
like a fightened cabrito.

I ran to the window 
and looked out afuera,
And who in the world 
do you think that it era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh 
and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along 
like a crazy bombero.

And pulling his sleigh 
instead of venados
Were eight little burros 
approaching volados.

I watched as they came 
and this quaint little hombre
Was shouting and whistling 
and calling by nombre:

"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, 
ay Cuco, ay Beto,
Ay Chato, ay Chopo, 
Macuco, y Nieto!"

Then standing erect 
with his hands on his pecho
He flew to the top 
of our very own techo.

With his round little belly 
like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze 
down our old chiminea,

Then huffing and puffing 
at last in our sala,
With soot smeared 
all over his red suit de gala,

He filled all the stockings 
with lovely regalos --
For none of the ninos 
had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud, 
seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash 
and was gone like the viento.

And I heard him exclaim, 
and this is verdad,
Merry Christmas to 
all, and Feliz Navidad!



H="No Longer a Kid"
30 Signs You Are No Longer A Kid...... 

1.) You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 

2.) Your back goes out more than you do. 

3.) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 

4.) You buy a compass for the dash of your car. 

5.) You are proud of your lawn mower. 

6.) Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws. 

7.) Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 

8.) You sing along with the elevator music. 

9.) You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 

10.) You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. 

11.) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 

12.) You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. 

13.) You make an appointment to see the dentist. 

14.) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 

15.) Neighbors borrow your tools. 

16.) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" 

17.) You have a dream about prunes. 

18.) You answer a question with, "because I said so!" 

19.) You send money to PBS. 

20.) The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 

21.) You take a metal detector to the beach.

22.) You wear black socks with sandals. 

23.) You know what the word "equity" means. 

24.) You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

25.) Your ears are hairier than your head. 

26.) You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. 

27.) You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 

28.) You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.") 

29.) You can go bowling without drinking. 

30.) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 



H="No Screwing"
A man and his wife had been stranded on an island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy, Peter, washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the ranger and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.

Peter yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Peter yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" 

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting sea grass on the roof of the shack to patch leaks.Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!" 

Finally the shift is over and Peter climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and Peter C. Gull are already screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing." 


H="Noah's Ark"
Everything I really need to know I learned from Noah's Ark:
 
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.

3. Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.

4. Build on the high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee--float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

17. DON'T MISS THE BOAT !!!!
 

H="Normal Minds 1"

Have you ever wondered if your mind is normal or different?
Well, do this little mind exercise and find out at the end!!

Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge. Check out the
following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no
trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the
questions one at a time and as quickly as you can.
Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance
until you've done each of them...really. Now, scroll down
(but not too fast, you might miss something)........

What is: (Scroll Down)
















1+5























2+4






















3+3
























4+2




























5+1
















Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can
for 15 seconds.
Then scroll down.


































































QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.

























Keep going.






































You're thinking of a carrot, right?





If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds
are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people
will answer with carrot when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?
Keep this message going.

Forward it to people you know and see if they are normal of
 different.

H="Nude on the Beach"
There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story------------Never lie to girls


H="Nudist Colony"
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"


H="Nudist Letters"
A man moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut
a photo in half and sent her the top part.
 
Later he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother He cut another picture in half, but accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He was really worried when he realized that he
sent the wrong half, but then remembered how bad his grandmother's
eyesight was, and hoped she wouldn't notice. 

A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother that
said....."Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes
your nose look short!"


H="Nun Kiss Me"
A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,

"It's a personal thing and I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had the fantasy of having a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, but #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."



H="Nun on the Bus"

A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across
from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her.
He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is
the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner.

The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for
"perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer
and gets off at the next stop.

The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation
with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie,
"You really want that nun, huh?"

After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with
several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.

"Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the
local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be
alone there..."

The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.

Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery.
Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows
her.She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in
prayer.

The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume---a long
flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of
glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards
her.

"My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been
such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a
satisfying sexual experience."

The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from
behind?At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin.
My vow of celibacy is important to me."

The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He
turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are
both pleasantly worn out.

After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts...
"HAHA, I'M THE HIPPIE!!!"

The nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting... "HAHA, I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"


H="Nut Shop"
A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks: "Ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks,

"Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! tas pensive" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"All right then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk: "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not making phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your penis since your nutz arr so damn high!!"


H="Oil Change"
 Oil change instructions for women!!!!

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since 
the
last
oil
change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1)Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter,kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2)Discover that the used oil container is full.Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3)Open a beer and drink it.
4)Jack car up.Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5)Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6)In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7)Place drain pan under engine.
8)Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9)Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer.No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands: hey the colors have to
match!!!!
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
________
$1,350.00 Total



H="Old Lady in Sex Shop"
Little old lady in the sex shop

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she Asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:

"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnnne, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk..aaand rrunns bby bbaatteries ?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offff?"



H="Old Lady Sex Shop"
Little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa ppppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?

H="Old man, Boy, and a Donkey"
The Old Man, a Boy and a Donkey 

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it 
was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some 
people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man 
to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so 
they changed positions. 

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame 
for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe 
they both should walk. 

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk 
when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the 
critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. 

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such 
a load on a poor little animal.

The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they
decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip
on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story........... 

If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass. 

H="Old Nudist"
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer."You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.


H="Old People Sex"
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.


H="One Liners"
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind.Back in five minutes.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

God must love stupid people; he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

All men are idiots and I married their king!

Failure is not an option.It comes bundled with the software.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is NOT a handicap.Park elsewhere!


H="Oral Sex Illegal"
Miami Herald-Sunday, August 06 1989

Hard-time convicts in the prison yard derive no end of fun comparing their particular crimes to the transgression that landed James David Moseley behind bars 17 months ago.

Moseley, in the midst of a five-year sentence at a state prison outside Atlanta, is doing time for committing oral sex. With his wife.

"The other prisoners, some of them murderers and such, burst out laughing," said Clive Stafford-Smith of the Southern Prisoners Defense Committee. "Jim is bemused himself. Here he is languishing in jail for a crime that millions of Americans commit daily. Or perhaps nightly." Moseley, 34, a carpenter from the Atlanta suburb of Jonesboro, was convicted under Georgia's 156-year-old sodomy statute last year after admitting in court that he had had oral sex with his estranged wife, Bette Roberts.

Oral sex, even with a spouse, is a felony in Georgia. And the crime is considered so serious that the state Parole and Pardons Board has ruled that Moseley must serve at least two years of his five-year sentence. Sodomy is so serious that the board decided to keep Moseley incarcerated even as it is forced to prematurely release 3,000 convicted felons from jammed prisons to avoid a federal overcrowding lawsuit.

Stafford-Smith, whose legal pursuits are usually confined to death penalty cases, appealed the Moseley case in state Superior Court last week, attacking the sodomy law on a number of constitutional grounds ranging from invasion of privacy to cruel and unusual punishment.

Stafford-Smith said 25 states -- Florida is one -- have sodomy laws, but the laws, if enforced at all, are usually tacked onto charges of child sex abuse. Sodomy charges involving a consenting married couple are rare, perhaps unprecedented.

Moseley 's conviction grew out of a dispute with Roberts, now his ex-wife, the mother of their two children, ages 2 and 3. In February 1988, after Moseley had visited his estranged wife's home, she filed a sexual assault complaint. He was arrested on two counts of rape, two counts of aggravated oral sodomy and two counts of aggravated anal sodomy.

(Aggravated, under Georgia law, indicates that the act was forced.)

Moseley has been in jail since.

But at his trial three months later, the jury did not believe his wife, whose own sister testified that her motives were vengeful and designed to head off a custody fight over the couple's young boys.

The jury found Moseley not guilty on the assault charges. But in the course of his testimony, the defendant admitted he had had oral sex with his wife -- although, he said, it was with her consent.

Both the prosecutor and the defense lawyer ignored the admission in their final arguments. In his charge to the jury, though, Superior Court Judge William Ison, known at the Clayton County courthouse as "Iceman," told the jurors that consensual oral sex was simple sodomy and a crime under Georgia law.

Moseley, who said he had no idea oral sex was a crime, was convicted.

His attorney, Steven Lister, said he advised his client not to appeal. "I told him he couldn't be considered for parole as long as the case was appealed and . . . he would probably be out in four or five months."

"The big surprise was the Pardons and Parole Board," Lister said. "They said he must serve at least two years. It's pretty unbelievable."

"I suppose the recidivism rate is rather high," Stafford-Smith said acidly of the board's policy, which puts simple sodomy on the same level as rape.

Silas Moore, a spokesman for the Board of Pardons and Paroles, said the board can use information, including hearsay statements, inadmissible in a trial in deciding how much of a sentence a particular prisoner must serve. Moore wouldn't say what particular criteria the board used in the Moseley case.

Moseley had a previous conviction -- a misdemeanor drug charge for attempting to have his exhausted painkiller prescription refilled. His record, Stafford-Smith points out, also includes a Navy heroism citation for saving the life of a fellow seaman while serving aboard the aircraft carrier USS Roosevelt.

The sodomy statute under which Moseley was convicted survived a U.S. Supreme Court challenge in 1986, when the justices voted 5-4 to uphold the conviction of an Atlanta homosexual charged with sodomy after a police officer serving a warrant discovered him in a sexual act.

But since then, Georgia Attorney General Mike Bowers has said he has doubts that he could successfully defend the same law if it were applied to consenting, married adults.

"I'm not changing what I've said in the past," Bowers said last week. But he declined to make any direct comment on the Moseley case, which is set for a hearing Aug. 16.

"Bowers will need virgins to try this case," Stafford-Smith said. "I personally don't think any of his lawyers wants to litigate a case if they've been guilty of the crime."

H="Orange Penis"
A guy goes to a doctor and says, 'Doc, you've got to help me. My p*nis is orange.' 

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. The guy’s p*nis is indeed orange. The doc tells the guy, 'This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life.' 

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, 'How are things going at work?' 

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, 'No. The boss was a real a*shole; I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.' So the doc figures this isn't the reason. 

He asks the guy, 'How's your home life?' The guy says, 'Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.' 

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress. 

The guy says 'No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.'

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. 

He inquires, 'Do you have any hobbies or a social life?' 

The guy replies, 'No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.' 

H="OS Airlines"
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to
the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together
piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are
supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and
let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push
again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents
look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about
details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know,
don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your
ever having to know, so just be quiet.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy
baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about
10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning
whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes
and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it
explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start
their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave
the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost
of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket
yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts,
a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the
fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and
arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is
wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the
great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

H="Our Sons"
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and
one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started
talking, bragging about their sons. 

The first man told the others, "My son
is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home -
for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line
dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker
and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of
business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How
is yours doing?" 

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not
totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

H="Over 35"
People over 35 should be dead. Here's why............

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were rarely overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes; no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We played dodge ball, and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors ever.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of us!

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before lawyers and government regulated our lives for our own good !!!!!



H="Paint Thinner"
There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint a! nd, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down,

washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint!And thin no more!"

H="Panda"

A panda walks into a restaurant and asks for a table for one. After
being seated he orders one of the specials and a side of fries.
Finishing his meal, he slowly stands up, calmly pulls out a gun, and
begins shooting the place up. He then turns around and walks out.

After he is gone, the waiter stands up and looks around. The waiter
turns to his boss and says, "What was that all about?"

His boss replies, "I don't know anything about pandas, go look it up."

So the waiter runs to the back, and fires up his laptop. Conducting a
quick web search he arrives at an entry for pandas which reads:

"The panda is a cousin of the bear. Living primarily in China, the panda
eats shoots and leaves."

H="Paratrooper"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. 
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from 
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump 
from an airplane. 

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. 

"So, did you jump?" the father asked. 

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, 
and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a 
dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" 

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. 

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men 
one at a time and throw them out the door." 

"Did you jump then?" asked the father. 

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the 
last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to 
jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." 

"So, did you jump?" 

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed 
onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump 
Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 
250 pounds. He said to me, 

'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' 

"I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'" 

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis 
out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a 
baseball bat! 

"He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking 
this little baby up your ass.'" 

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. 

"Well, a little, at first..." 



H="Parrot from a Brothel"
This lady goes to a pet store to buy a bird. The store owner sells her aparrot for $50.00. He warns her that the bird spent the last 3 years in a brothel. She takes the bird anyway.

At home she puts him in his cage. The bird looks around and says, "Hmmm.new house, new madam."

The woman's two daughters come home from high school. The bird looks at them and says, "Hmmm. new house, new madam, new girls." They all laugh and go on.

That evening Keith, her husband, comes home from work. The bird eyes him and says, "Hi, Keith!"


H="Parrot Training"
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. 

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music - anything that he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"


H="Pastor's Cat"
This is a true story about the pastor of a church. 

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his back yard and then was afraid to come down.The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.The kitty would not come down.The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.But as he moved the car a littlefurther forward, the rope broke.The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible.He walked all over the neighborhoodasking people if they'd seen a little kitten.No, nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members.He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

 She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."


H="Paternity Statements"
Who's your Daddy?
 
 1. Regarding the id! entity of the father of my twins, child A was 
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of 
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

 2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was 
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can 
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if 
this helps.

 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was 
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with 
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I 
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his 
phone number? Thanks.

 4. I don't know the identity of ! the father of my daughter. He drives a 
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door 
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see 
if he's had it replaced.

 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting 
a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate 
and that he is Christ risen again.

 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to 
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications 
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the 
country. Please advise.

 7.. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the 
same to me.

 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can 
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at 
the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceive! d at Disney 
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember 
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. 
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party 
at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all 
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart


H="Peanut in his Ear"

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating 
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with 
his mouth. 

In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him 
a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut 
fell into his ear. 

He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only 
succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called 
his wife for assistance, and after several hours of 
trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and 
decided to go to the hospital. 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter 
came home with her date. After being informed of their 
problem, their daughter's date said he could get the 
peanut out. 

The young man told the father to sit down. The young 
man then pushed two fingers up the father's nose and 
told him to blow, really hard. 

When the father blew, the peanut popped out. The 
mother and daughter jumped and yelled with happiness. 

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the 
daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for 
something to eat. 

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and 
said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you 
think he's going to be when he grows up?" 

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, 
probably our son-in-law!" 

H="Peanuts"
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks.

"No, not at all" the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." 

"Oh that's all right" the woman says. 

"Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." 


H="Penguin in Desert"
A penguin is taking a summer drive through the Arizona desert. Suddenly his air conditioning begins to fail and his "service engine" lamp comes on. Being a penguin and it being summer he becomes very concerned and pulls into a small town outside of Yuma. He finds the local gas station, explains the situation to the mechanic who tells him to leave the car for a few hours and check back.

Being a penguin in the desert, he decides to go to the soda fountain across the street and have some ice crčme. He crawls up on the stool and orders a extra large helping of creamy vanilla ice crčme and a egg crčme to wash it down. Now being a penguin, and having only flippers, he makes quite a mess of attempting to eat the ice crčme and consume the egg crčme soda. Satisfied, he pays his check and walks back across the street to the garage.

He sees his car's hood up in the stall and enters the repair area. The old mechanic pulls his head out from under the hood and says, "Looks like you blew a seal"…

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says " NO NO, it's just ICE CRČME!"

H="Penis Names"
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It Really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's 'Strong Enough For A Man But Made For A Woman!"

H="Pharmicist"
The Pharmacist 

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. 

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes in silence. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." 

H="Phone Call"
The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME"


H="Pickle, Cucumber, and a Penis"
A pickle, a cucumber and a penis were in a bar and the pickle starts to complain, "Every time I get big and juicy someone sticks me in a jar of spices and vinegar and leaves me there.I'm sick of it!"

The cucumber says, "You got nothing to complain about. Whenever I get big and juicy, they slice me up with a sharp knife and put me on a salad! It stinks!"

The penis says, "You guys don't know what misery is. Every time I get big and juicy someone puts a plastic bag on my head, shoves me into a little dark hole and makes me do pushups till I puke!
 

H="Pill a Cat"
Instructions for giving a cat a pill 
 
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding 
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's 
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right 
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth 
and swallow. 
 
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left 
arm and repeat process. 
 
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 
 
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear 
paws with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with 
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 
 
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call 
someone to help. 
 
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and 
rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get helper to hold 
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop 
pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously. 
 
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make 
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered 
Royal Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 
 
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get helper to stretch out flat on top of 
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of 
drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking 
straw. 
 
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass 
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to helper's forearm and 
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 
 
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in 
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth 
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 
 
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back ion hinges. Apply 
cold compress to cheek and check record for date of your last tetanus 
shot.Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 
 
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. 
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid 
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 
 
13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly 
to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force 
cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by 
large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water 
down throat to wash pill down. 
 
14. Get helper to drive you to the accident and emergency hospital. Sit 
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill 
remnant from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on the way home to order 
new table. 

15. Arrange for RSCPA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop 
to see if they have any hamsters. 


H="Pink and Purple"
Q: What's the difference between pink and purple? 



A: Your grip. 


H="Political Cows"
YOU HAVE TWO COWS

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You can't milk them because you can't touch the cows' private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.


H="Politics"
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,

"Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism.' Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the Government.We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The people.'The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. And your baby brother... we'll call him 'the Future.' Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit. And there you have it.





H="Preacher Dying"

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both members of his church, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

H="Preacher's Wife"
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the thought.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

Don't you just love little old ladies!


H="Pregnant Lady on Bus"
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. 

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. 

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. 

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady Got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. 

She sat under a sweets Sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will Reduce the swelling," and I had to smile. 

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. 

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost It." 

"CASE DISMISSED!!" 

H="Pregnant Pigs"
A Farmer and His Pigs

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls the vet for help.The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the truck again.He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. "One more try", he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs.He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud."No", she says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

H="Prescription"
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some cyanide."

"The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got bigger, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied,

"Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


H="Prison vs. Work"
PERSPECTIVE!

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK... You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal - and you have to pay for it.
 
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A Guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.... You have to share.

IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... You cannot even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...There are Wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK... They are called Supervisors.

IN PRISON... You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.

NOW, GET BACK TO WORK....

H="Pumpkin Man"
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.

Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop."You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need'."I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him."It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

"He got real surprised, as you'dexpect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?"


H="q/a"


Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?.
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job will still suck.

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: One snatches watches.The other watches snatches.

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!!

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear zippers.

Q: How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A: Very satisfying.

Q: What are the three greatest lies?
A:a) the check is in the mail
 b) small is beautiful
 c) I won't come in your mouth

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
A: It's (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs,or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.

Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.

Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on TV?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in,what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


H="Quiz"
World's Easiest Quiz

For you learned ones-----

Passing requires only 4 correct answers....a measly 40%.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 

All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animals do we get catgut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert 

8) What color is a purple finch? 

Crimson 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? 

Orange.


H="Railroad Spacing"
How Specifications Live... Forever!!!

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between the rails) is 4-feet, 8.5-inches.That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why is that gauge used???

Because that's the way they built them in England, and the first US railroads were built by English engineers.

Why did the English build them that wide???

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

And why did they use that gauge???

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that were used for building wagons, and these used that wheel spacing.

Okay!!!Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing???

Well, if they used any other spacing, the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads???

The first long-distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for their legions.The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts???

The ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were made by Roman war chariots.

Thus, we have the answer to the original question:The United States standard railroad gauge of 4-feet, 8.5-inches comes from the original specification for a Roman army war chariot.

So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because imperial Roman chariots were made to be wide enough to accommodate... the rear ends of two war horses!!!

Specifications - like bureaucracies - live forever!!!



H="Randy Rooster"
A farmer has about 200 hens but no rooster, and he wants chicks, so the farmer hops in his car and heads down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got a great rooster named Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem." 

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it, so he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and set's him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk. 

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. 

Randy seemed to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. Wham--- he nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. 

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham--- he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; then he pays a visit to the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. 

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon wakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. 

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and valuable animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." 

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer." 


H="Ransom Note"
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. 

She went to the park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: 

"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM." 

She pinned the note inside the boys jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also inside the bag was the following note... 

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" 

H="Rectum Stretcher"
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" 

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. 

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" 

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.  I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? "  he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." 

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs -  $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face................PRICELESS 


Money well spent!!!! 





H="Red Mark on Her Chest"
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. 

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. 

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. 

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"



H="Redneck Christmas"
A Redneck Christmas 

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.

From out in the yard There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.

It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know; They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.

The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"

"Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.

Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
From up on the roofSanta heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.

He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care.

He was busy lookin' At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might."

But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!

Bubba had a nice Christmas,And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!



H="Redneck Dictionary"
Benign..........................What you be after you be eight. 
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria. 
Barium..........................What doctors do when patients die. 
Cesarean Section................A neighborhood in Rome. 
Catscan.........................Searching for Kitty. 
Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her. 
Colic...........................A sheep dog. 
Coma............................A punctuation mark. 
D&C.............................Where Washington is. 
Dilate..........................To live long. 
Enema...........................Not a friend. 
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else. 
Fibula..........................A small lie. 
G.I.Series......................World Series of military baseball. 
Hangnail........................What you hang your coat on. 
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known. 
Labor Pain......................Getting hurt at work. 
Medical Staff...................A Doctor's cane. 
Morbid..........................A higher offer than I bid. 
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates. 
Node............................I knew it. 
Outpatient......................A person who has fainted. 
Pap Smear.......................A fatherhood test. 
Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis. 
Post Operative..................A letter carrier. 
Recovery Room...................Place to do upholstery. 
Rectum..........................Damn near killed him. 
Secretion.......................Hiding something 
Seizure.........................Roman emperor. 
Tablet..........................A small table. 
Terminal Illness................Getting sick at the airport. 
Tumor...........................More than one. 
Urine...........................Opposite of mine. 
Varicose........................Near by/close by 

H="Redneck Letter from Mom"
Dear Redneck Son, 

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we packed up and moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. 

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. 

About that coat you wanted me to send you. Your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. 

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. 

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. 

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom 

H="Rednecks1"
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? "Nice tooth!"

Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

What is a Redneck's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous.

How is a tornado and a divorce the same in Kentucky? Somebody is gonna lose a trailer.

H="Resignation"

ADULT RESIGNATION


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as
an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because
you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a
lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's
day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication
tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you, because you didn't know what you didn't know
and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy
because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life
and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simply again.I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days in the
month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills,
gossip, illness, barfing & pooping dogs, and loss of
loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a
kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the
imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit
card bills and my 401K statements.I am officially
resigning from adulthood.And if you want to discuss
this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause...

"Tag! You're it."


H="Rules of Grammar"
The Rules of Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly 
superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

H="Sad Stories"
SAD STORIES 

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were 
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. 

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear 
that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they 
would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their 
room. 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of 
this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. 
I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 
flights and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way." 

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began 
to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott 
began to tell sad stories. 

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the 
room key in the car!" 

H="Sandals"
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

H="Satan and the Old Man"
A few minutes before the services started, the people were seated in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. 

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. 

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan. 

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. 

"Yep," was the calm reply. 

"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope." 

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."


H="Senior Breakfast"
We went out to breakfast. The waitress told usthe "seniors' special" was 
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. 

"Sounds good," my wife said. "ButI don't want the eggs." 

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars andforty-nine cents because 
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. 

"You mean I'd have to pay for nottaking the eggs?" my wife asked 
incredulously. "I'll take the special," shesaid. 

"How do you want your eggs?" 

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.She took the two eggs home. 

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! We've beenaround the block more than once.


H="Sex Clinic"
HEALTH PLAN

The young doctor had just about decided he wanted to do his residency in the Sexual Disorders Clinic at the teaching hospital. The senior doctor was giving him a tour of the facility. As they entered the men's section, the young resident noticed a male nurse passing by with a baseball bat wrapped in a towel.

"What's the baseball bat for?" inquired the resident.

"That's for the guy in 402," replied the nurse. "The chart says he's into S&M. He's terribly constipated and his doctor ordered an enema for him. But his health insurance plan doesn't cover enemas, so I'm just going to beat the shit out of him."

"Mmmm," replied the young resident, beginning to think this wasn't the ordinary kind of clinic. Presently they passed a young man in the hallway, his pants around his ankles, masturbating furiously. "What's his problem?" asked the young resident.

"Oh, that's a very sad case," the senior doctor replied. He has a condition called seminal hypertension. If he doesn't have ten or twelve orgasms a day he suffers excruciating pain, becomes very wild, and ultimately falls into a coma!"

The young doctor contemplated the many kinds of sexual disorders he had never heard of before. Ultimately they came upon another guy whose pants were around his ankles, but he was being sucked off by a handsome, bearded young male nurse in the hallway. There was much slurping, and it was obvious that the furry young nurse could have suck-started a Harley from the tailpipe. "What's this guy's problem? How come he's getting sucked off by a nurse?" asked the young resident. "Same problem as the other guy," replied the senior doctor. "Seminal Hypertension. He needs ten or fifteen orgasms a day." "How come this guy's treatment is getting sucked off by a handsome stud and the other guy has to make do with jerking off in the corner?" asked the resident.

"This guy's got a better health insurance plan," replied the senior doctor with a smile. 

H="Sex For Dummies"
The Top 16 Chapters in "Sex for Dummies"


16 Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

15 Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

14 Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

13 Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

12 Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

11 The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

10 Chapter 4: No, You Don't *Actually* Blow

 9 Stop Masturbating, She's Real!

 8 You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

 7 Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

 6 Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

 5 Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

 4 "Alternate" Lifestyles: Pokeman?

 3 Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

 2 Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

 and Topfive.com's Number 1 Chapter in "Sex for Dummies"...


 1 Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

 [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
 [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

H="Sex of a Housefly"
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY 


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 

"What are you doing?" She asked. 

"Hunting Flies" He responded. 

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." 




H="Sex Pill"
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex 
anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this 
upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life 
is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle 
of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; 
the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give 
her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has 
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the 
kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from 
his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a 
moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he 
begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own 
coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and 
coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife 
shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look 
enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has 
never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me 
too.."

H="Sex Therapy"
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and after giving them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull's-eye in your wife's love canal. Then, on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and, from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and explained that he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. Then he conducted the same physical exams and the same battery of tests he had conducted on the Browns.

After this was done and he'd briefly reviewed the results, he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him. "You helped our friends the Browns. Now please, please help us."

"Well, all right," the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...."

H="Sexy Grandpa"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. 

"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells (in with the dings and out with the dongs.)"

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."


H="Shaking Coke"
Just Like Shaking Coke


A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally
she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys
her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls 
over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's
getting pretty excited.

He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a
virgin and wants to stay that way."Well, OK," he says, "how about a 
blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my
mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake
up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"



H="SHIT Origin of the Word"
You just don't learn this in school.

Manure:In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported
by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so
large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry
form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it,
it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again,
of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks
in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to
build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with
a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it
was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship
High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I
had always thought it was a golf term.


H="Shower Sign"
WHICH ONE ARE YOU? 

When you step into a shower, 
which part of the body do you wash first? 

(A) chest 
(B) face 
(C) armpits 
(D) hair 
(E) privates 
(F) shoulders 
(G) others 

Now scroll down to go check what you are ... This is pretty funny! 






The following describes your character: 

(A) CHEST 
You are practical person. Straight forward and do not beat around 
the bush. To you, convenience is of paramount importance. You hate 
to be distracted when concentrating and are impatient with people 
who do not see things your way. A good sex partner and willing to 
try new things. Your best partner in life will be those who chose 
(D) hair. 

(B) FACE 
Money is important to you and you will do anything to get it. 
Integrity and dignity is not important. You feel that friends 
are there to be used and life is one big hassle. Other people 
find it hard to understand you but you are not concerned 
as to what they think. Very self-centered person. Average sex 
partner as too selfish and tend to be absorbed in self pleasure 
at the expense of your partner. Your best partner in life will 
be those who chose (E) privates and (G) others. 

(C) ARMPITS 
You are a dependable and hard working person. Generally a very 
popular person as you are very down to earth and willing to help 
others.Tend to get yourself into trouble as you cannot tell whether 
people are genuine towards you. Make very poor sex partners as you 
are the working type with average talent. Your best partner in life 
will be those who chose (F) shoulders. 

(D) HAIR 
Artistic type. Daydreaming is your hobby but you can achieve what 
most other people cannot. Dedication is lacking but you will work 
tirelessly towards goals which are to your liking. Money is not 
important. Friends are but only intellectuals and fellow artistic 
types. Make the best sex partners as you are most willing to 
explore and please the other partner. Talent is your main strength. 
Your best partners in life will be those who chose (A) chest and 
(E) privates. 

(E) PRIVATES 
Shy type. You lack self confidence and tend to be bullied by 
others. You do not have lots of friends as others find you boring 
and unattractive. Perseverance is not your strength and you tend 
to give up easily and at the first opportunity. However, you make 
an above average sex partner.You are able to show your true 
emotions to very few people. Hence, in sex, you find your inner 
strengths. Your best partner in life will be those who chose 
(B) face and (D) hair. 

(F) SHOULDERS 
A born loser. You fail in almost everything that you do. People 
dislike you and you tend to spend your time alone. Your type 
have been known to be heavy gamblers and drinkers. You see 
the world as a living hell. Money and power are also important 
to you, but your luck will always fail you. You make a lousy sex 
partner. You will find it difficult to find a partner in life. 
Those who chose (C) armpits are your only chance. 

(G) OTHERS 
You are a very average person. Undoubtedly, you have your inner 
strengths but people find it hard to see. You must learn to be a 
little bit more adventurous and sell your potential. Deep down, 
you are a very likable person with very few faults. However, 
the key will be to make your strengths stand out and not just 
hide your weaknesses. You are an average sex partner. You have 
great fantasies about different techniques but unfortunately are 
not brave enough to try them out. Your best partners in life will 
be those who chose (B) face. 

H="Sisters of St. Francis"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....

It reads......

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.Soon he sees another sing which says.

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real!
Then he drives past a third sign saying

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."Very well, my son.Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.The nun stopps at a closed door and tells the man.Please knock on the door.:

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER




H="Sleeping in Church"
Preacher and Husband 

One day, Mr. Jones spoke to the minister of his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" 

"I have an idea," the minister said. "Take this hat pin with you. I'll be able to tell when your wife is asleep and I'll motion to you to give her a good poke in the leg." 

The following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off during the sermon. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan into action. 

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, and nodded to Mr. Jones. 

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. 

"That's right, Mrs. Jones!" said the minister. 

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he cried out to the congregation, again motioning to Mr. Jones.

"God!" Mrs. Jones yelled as she was again stuck with the pin. "Right again!" said the minister, smiling. 

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hat pin again. 

At that point, the minister cried, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" 

Mr. Jones poked his wife who yelled, "You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.


H="Slow Dance"
Slow Dance

This is a remarkable writing for someone so young...however, her situation 
brings great insight that we can all learn from. Very moving. This poem 
written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital. It was sent 
by a medical doctor - Dr. Yeou Cheng Ma.




Please do what you can to help fulfill this young girl's dream by also
reading what is in the closing statement AFTER THE POEM.

SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.


H="Smart Rednecks"
WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??? 

"Hello, is this the FBI?" 

"Yes. What do you want?" 

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir." 

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. 

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. 

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" 

"Yeah!" 

"Did they chop your firewood?" 

"Yep." 

"Happy Birthday, Buddy" 

H="So Blonde..."
 ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

 ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

 ...she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

 ...she thought Boys II Men was a day care center.

 ...she thought General Motors was in the Army.

 ...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

 ...she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

 ...under "EDUCATION" on her job application, she listed "Hooked on
 Phonics"

 ...she tried to drown a fish.

 ...she tripped over a cordless phone.

 ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the can because it said "concentrate".

 ...she got stabbed at a shoot-out.

 ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

 ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

 ...at the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here", she wrote
 "Sagittarius".

 ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

 ...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".

 ...if she spoke her mind, she would be speechless.

 ...she studied for a blood test and failed.

 ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".

 ...she sold her car for gas money.

 ...when she saw the sign that said "NC-17 under 17 not admitted", she went
 home
 and got 16 friends.

 ...when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

 ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

 ...when she missed the #44 bus, she took the #22 bus twice.

 ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left",
she
 turned around and went home.

 ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

 We will miss her!


H="Speeding Excuse"
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car."It's been a long day," said the officer, "this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

H="Spelling"
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!


H="Sperm Sample"
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jarhome and bring meback a sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on theprevious day The doctor asked, "What happened, didn't I ask you to bring meback a sperm sample?"

The man went on to explain, "Well doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she tried her left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out.

I even asked the lady next door. She tried with her right hand, and then with her left. Still nothing.She thought her husband could do it, so she went to get him.As embarassed as I was, I let him try.First with his left hand, then with his right and finally with his mouth.Still nothing."

The doctor looked at him wide-eyed but said nothing.

"Doc, if you can get the lid off this jar I'll be happy to try again."

H="State Laws"
Envelope-to: michael@treemonkey.net
X-EN-OrigIP: 65.54.246.98
X-EN-IMPSID: wVJT1Y00N286bFD0900000
X-Originating-IP: [76.185.251.206]
From: John Sly <jksjaguar@hotmail.com>
To: Ed Nogar <enogar@mcdavid.com>, <gbdriscoll@aol.com>, jason
        <jason_dallas20@yahoo.com>, <jslyredfox@aol.com>, Mark Rosen
        <mjrosen13@hotmail.com>, michael <michael@treemonkey.net>,
        <nathainjan@sbcglobal.net>, <patmc13@verizon.net>, RICK
        <rick_schaper@hotmail.com>
Subject: state laws
Date: Sun, 2 Mar 2008 23:18:42 -0600
X-OriginalArrivalTime: 03 Mar 2008 05:18:42.0446 (UTC) FILETIME=[0BF0F2E0:01C87CEE]


Alabama 

* Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. 
* Incestuous marriages are legal. 
* It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy. 
* It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity. 
* It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. 
* Masks may not be worn in public 
* Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. 
* Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. 
* You may not drive barefooted. 
* You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. 


Alaska 

* In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting. 
* Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time. 
* While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. 


Arizona 

* A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. 
* Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. 
* It is illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday. 
* It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. 
* Oral sex is considered to be sodomy. 
* There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. 
* You may not have more than two dildos in a house. 
* Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse. 
* Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house. 
* Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license. 
* Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. 
* Nogales: An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. 
* Tucson: Women may not wear pants. 


Arkansas 

* A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. 
* Fayetteville: It is illegal to kill "any living creature". 
* It is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs. 
* It's illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas. 
* Little Rock: Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.; Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term; It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday; No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54 
* The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 


California 

* A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. 
* Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. 
* Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. 
* A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. 
* Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. 
* Bathhouses are against the law. 
* Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. 
* Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk; Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. 
* Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited. 
* Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. 
* In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand. 
* In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices. 
* In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. 
* In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. 
* In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. 
* In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room. 
* In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. 
* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. 
* It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. 
* It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub 
* It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. 
* Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String". 
* Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace. 
* Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. 
* Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. 
* No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel. 
* No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. 
* Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. 
* Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. 
* San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. 
* San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language." 
* San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595 
* Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. 
* Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. 
* The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year. 


Colorado 

* Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. 
* Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. 
* Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. 
* Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays. 
* It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver. 
* Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex. 
* In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law." 
* In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes. 
* Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. 
* It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. 
* It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. 


Connecticut 

* A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak. 
* A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces 
* Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn. 
* Bloomfield, Conn: It's against the law to eat in your car. 
* Devon: It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 
* Guilford: Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display. 
* Hartford: You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands 
* In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence. 
* In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police. 
* In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the street. 
* In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street. 
* In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday. 
* In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump. 
* It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. 
* It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. 
* New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire. 
* No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind. 
* Waterbury: It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer. 
* You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. 
* You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays. 
* You may not educate dogs. 


Delaware 

* Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday. 
* In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare. 
* In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license. 
* It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. 


Florida 

* Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street. 
* Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. 
* Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned; While intoxicated, being under influence of narcotics is prohibited; It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired; 
* Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town. 
* Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked in Tampa Bay. 
* Hialeah: Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor. 
* If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 
* Failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal. 
* It is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge. 
* In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal. 
* In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit. 
* It is considered an offense to shower naked. 
* It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday. 
* Key West: Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. 
* Oral sex is illegal. 
* You may not kiss your wife's breasts. 
* Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. 
* Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person; It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel; A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. 
* Pinecrest: In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. 
* Sanford Stage: Nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine. 
* Sarasota: If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00; You may not catch crabs. 
* Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M. 
* Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla. 
* When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. 
* Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime. 


Georgia 

* Acworth: All citizens must own a rake. 
* A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled. 
* Atlanta: Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp; One man may not be on another man's back. 
* Columbus: Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday; It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday. 
* Gainesville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands. 
* In Columbus, Georgia it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position. 
* In Georgia, movie houses that want to show films on Sunday must reserve one showing a month for religious material. 
* It is illegal in Georgia to use profanity in the presence of a corpse. 
* In Quitman, It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. 
* It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down. 
* It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro. 
* It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel. 
* Kennesaw: Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind. 
* Marietta: Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck. 
* Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. 
* Signs are required to be written in English. 
* St. Mary's: No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark. 


Hawaii 

* Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird. 
* In Hawaii it is illegal to get a tattoo behind your ear or on your eyelid unless in the presence of a registered physician. 
* Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears. 
* It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents. 
* It's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again. 
* You will be fined if you do not own a boat. 


Idaho 

* It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 
* If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. 
* Idaho Falls: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle. 
* Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to use the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services. 
* Walking along the street with a red-tipped cane is strictly prohibited. 
* Non-married couples in Idaho who engage in sexual intercourse can be jailed for up to six months 
* Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime. 
* You may not fish on a camel's back. 


Illinois 

* "Dwarf-tossing," the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit. 
* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. 
* It is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American". 
* Champaign: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. 
* Chicago: Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire; It is illegal to give a dog whiskey; Kites may not be flown within the city limits; Spitting is forbidden 
* Cicero: Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays. 
* Crete: It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog; Cars may not be driven through the town. 
* Des Plaines: Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees. 
* Eureka: A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman. 
* Evanston: Bowling is forbidden; It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween; It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire. 
* Fairfield: It is unlawful for "Negroes" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise. 
* Freeport: It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window. 
* Galesburg: There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats. 
* Homer: It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer. 
* If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting. 
* In Illinois it is illegal for barbers to use their fingers to apply shaving cream to a customer's face. 
* In Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. 
* In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds (90 kilos) to ride horses in shorts. 
* In Chicago, it is illegal to fish in pajamas. 
* In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public. 
* In Oblong, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. 
* It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois. 
* It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. 
* It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded. 
* Kenilworth: A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow; Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence. 
* Kirkland: Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland's streets. 
* Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. 
* Moline: Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited; There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue. 
* Morton Grove: You may not own a handgun 
* Normal: It is against the law to make faces at dogs. 
* Orland Park: No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling. 
* Ottawa: Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense. 
* Park Ridge: Trucks may only park inside closed garages. 
* Peoria: Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway. 
* Pullman: It is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb; It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck. 
* The English language is not to be spoken. 
* Take some elocution lessons if you're going to Joliet, Ill., where it's against the law to mispronounce the city's name. Offenders can be fined up to $500. 
* The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot "throw, drop or place" a used hankie "upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface or any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or areaway." 
* You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. 
* You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2. 


Indiana 

* "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal. 
* A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming. 
* All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads. 
* Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day. 
* Auburn: It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days. 
* Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. 
* Beech Grove: It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park. 
* Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes. 
* Citizens are not allowed to attend a cinema or theatre nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. 
* Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest. 
* Drinks on the house are illegal. 
* Elkhart: It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears. 
* Evansville: While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on. 
* Fort Wayne: You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It's In the Book". 
* Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor. 
* Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. 
* If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices. 
* In Indiana it is illegal to sell laughing gas with the intent to induce laughter. 
* In South Bend, Indiana, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. 
* It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. 
* Men are prohibited from standing in a bar. 
* Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. 
* No one may catch a fish with his bare hands. 
* One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. 
* Oral sex is illegal. 
* Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights. 
* Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. 
* State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post. 
* Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values. 
* Terre Haute: No one may spit on the sidewalk. 
* The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415 
* You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table; the waiter or waitress has to do it. 
* You are required to pour your drink into a glass. 
* You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. 


Iowa 

* A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public. 
* An owner or employee of an establishment in Iowa that sells alcohol can't legally consume a drink there after closing for business. 
* Don't plan on running a "tab" in Iowa; it's illegal. 
* Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 
* If a law enforcement officer is having a drink in a bar in Iowa and an employee pours water down the drain, the water is legally considered an alcohol beverage intended for unlawful purposes. 
* In Dubuque any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building. 
* In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. 
* Indianola: The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned. 
* It is illegal to hunt from an aircraft. 
* It is illegal to accept a gratuity or tip in Iowa. 
* Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. 
* One-armed piano players must perform for free. 
* Ottumwa: Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know. 
* Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet. 
* The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread. 
* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. 
* You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time. 


Kansas 

* If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. 
* In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents. 
* In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites. 
* In Topeka, Kansas, servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups. 
* It is illegal to catch bullfrogs in a tomato patch. 
* It is illegal to hunt whales. 
* It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas. 
* Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. 
* Lawrence: All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival. No one may wear a bee in their hat. 
* Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 
* No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas. 
* Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. 
* Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats. 
* Russell: Musical car horns are banned 
* Salina: It is against the law to leave your car running unattended. 
* The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks. 
* Topeka: The installation of bathtubs is prohibited. 
* Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas. 


Kentucky 

* A person can be sent to jail for five years for merely sending a bottle of beer, wine or spirits as a gift to a friend in Kentucky. 
* An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation "shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large." Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid. 
* All nude people in your house must be registered in Kentucky. 
* An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, 
* Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140 
* Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.). 
* By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground". 
* Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint "three intelligent housekeepers" to the Board of Tax Supervisors. 
* Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. 
* In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street. 
* In Kentucky, according to an old law, it's illegal to use any kind of reptile in a religious service. It's not certain if the law would withstand First Amendment scrutiny today. 
* In Kentucky every citizen of is required to take a shower once a year. 
* In Kentucky you need a license to walk around nude on your property. 
* It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times. 
* It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. 
* It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale 
* It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. 
* It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. 
* No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1) 
* No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.) 
* Owensboro: A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission. One may not receive anal sex. All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948) 


Louisiana 

* An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. 
* Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault". 
* Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950. 
* If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities. 
* It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish. 
* It is illegal to gargle in public places. 
* It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 
* It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it. 
* It is illegal in Lafayette, Louisiana to play a musical instrument for the purpose of attracting attention, without a license. 
* It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law. 
* Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity. 
* Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 
* New Orleans: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant. 
* Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. 
* Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 
* Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. 


Maine 

* After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. 
* In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law. 
* It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River. 
* In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands. 
* In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street. 
* In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public. 
* It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland. 
* Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack. 
* You may not step out of a plane in flight. 


Maryland 

* Baltimore City: Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited. You may not curse inside the city limits. 
* Baltimore: It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's illegal to take a lion to the movies. It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898) -Park Rule 6 It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday. 
* Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells. 
* Columbia: You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence. 
* Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited. 
* Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for "forecasting or pretending to foretell the future." 
* In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine. In Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits. 
* In Baltimore it is illegal to mistreat oysters. 
* In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks no matter how dirty they get. 
* In Baltimore, Maryland, it is not legal to take a lion to the movies. 
* In Halethrope, Maryland kisses longer than one second are illegal. 
* In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping. 
* In Maryland, men may not buy drinks for female bartenders. 
* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." 
* In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners to be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state. 
* In the entire state of Maryland, it is illegal to give or recieve oral sex. 
* It is a violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. 
* Maryland now requires that alcohol beverage writers be certified as experts by an agency of the state before they can receive product samples, which it limits to three bottles per brand. 
* Ocean City: A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited 
* Thistles may not grow in one's yard. 
* You cannot swear while inside the city limits of Baltimore. 


Massachusetts 

* A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City. 
* A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. 
* Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal. 
* Alcoholic drink specials are illegal. 
* An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. 
* At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. 
* Boston: It is illegal to play the fiddle. Two people may not kiss in front of a church. No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city. No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears. Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except o Sundays. It is illegal to eat peanuts in church. An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present. Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common. No one may take a bath without a prescription. It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs. 
* Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left. 
* Bullets may not be used as currency. 
* Burlington: You may not walk around with a "drink". 
* Cambridge: It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk. It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. 
* Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes. 
* Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine. 
* Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited. 
* Hingham: You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible. If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society. 
* Hopkinton: Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited. 
* Hunting on Sundays is prohibited. 
* Holyoke, Massachusetts, makes it unlawful to water your lawn when it is raining. 
* In a law that predates returnable bottles and cans, it's illegal in Boston to rummage through rubbish containers. 
* In 1659 the state of Massachusetts outlawed Christmas. 
* In Boston it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole. 
* In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street. 
* In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street. 
* In Boston, Massachusetts it is illegal to take a bath unless instructed to do so by a physician. 
* In Massachusetts, it is unlawful to deliver diapers on Sunday, regardless of emergencies. 
* In Massachusetts, if you get caught eating peanuts in church , you can be jailed for up to one year. 
* In Provincetown, Mass., it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday. 
* In Salem, Massachesetts sleeping in the nude in a rented room is forbidden, even for married couples. 
* It is illegal to frighten a pigeon. 
* It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. 
* It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder. 
* It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. 
* It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines. 
* It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine 
* It's illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. 
* It's illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. 
* It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. 
* It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. 
* Longmeadow: It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green. 
* Marlboro: It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun. Silly string is illegal in the city limits. One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city. It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs. 
* Massachusetts law declares that peanuts may not be eaten in court. 
* Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders. 
* Milford: Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden. 
* Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 
* Newton: All families must be given a hog from the town's mayor. 
* No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car. 
* North Andover: An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns. 
* Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden. 
* Public boxing matches are outlawed. 
* Quakers and witches are banned. 
* Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 
* Southbridge, Massachusetts, makes it illegal to read books or newspapers after 8 p.m. in the streets. 
* Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. 
* Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder. 
* Under an old law in Marblehead, Mass., it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary. 
* Woburn: In bars, it is illegal to "walk around" with a beer in your hand. 
* You may not, at any time take a crap on your neighbour. 


Michigan 

* A Michigan law states that a wife's hair legally belongs to her husband. 
* A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. 
* Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony. 
* In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. 
* In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. 
* In Detroit, Michigan it is illegal to sleep in a bathtub. 
* In Rochester, Michigan, anyone bathing in public must have his or her bathing suit inspected by a police officer. 
* It is legal for a robber to file a law suit, if he or she got hurt in your house. 
* It is illegal to loiter in the city morgue in Detroit. 
* It's illegal in Michigan for a person under the age of 21 to give a gift of alcohol beverage to anyone, even to a person of legal age. 
* Permitting diners to take home an unfinished bottle of alcohol beverage, rather than consuming it all before leaving to prevent "waste," encourages moderation and discourages intoxication. However, this is prohibited in Michigan. 
* Smoking while in bed is illegal. 
* The use of the names of dead presidents to sell alcohol in Michigan is prohibited. 
* Under an 1889 law, the health officer of East Jordan, Mich., could send any nonresident with an infectious disease back to where he came from, as long as the person could travel. If not, the officer could rent a house for use as a pest house. 
* You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan. 


Minnesota 

* A Blue Earth, Minnesota, law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent. 
* A Minnesota tax form is quite thorough. Some would say too thorough. It even asks for your date of death. 
* A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. 
* A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. 
* All bathtubs must have feet. 
* All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts. 
* Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head. 
* Clawson: There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. 
* Every man in Brainerd, Minnesota is required by law to grow a beard. 
* Grand Haven: No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense. 
* Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. 
* Harper Woods: It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets. 
* Hibbing: It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat. 
* In Duluth, Minnesota it is illegal to allow animals to sleep in a bakery. 
* In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks. 
* It is illegal to sleep naked. 
* It used to be legal in Minnesota to sell rolled candy on Sunday, and illegal to sell flat candy. The wafer people have gotten this one repealed. 
* Minneapolis: Red cars can not drive down Lake Street 
* Minnesota has repealed its so-called "Twinkie" law, under which a Minneapolis City Council candidate was indicted for dispensing $34 worth of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, cookies, Kool-Aid and coffee to some senior citizens. 
* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. 
* Public intoxication is a crime in Pennsylvania but specifically not a crime in Minnesota. 
* Rochester: All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police. Smoking while in bed is illegal. 
* St. Cloud: Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. 
* There is a 10 cent bounty for each rat's head brought into a town office. 
* Wayland: Anyone can keep their cow on Main Street downtown at a cost of 3 cents per day. 
* You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan. Kalamazoo: It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend. 


Mississippi 

* Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison. 
* Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging. 
* Columbus: The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it. 
* Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road. 
* In Brandon, Mississipi it is illegal to attempt to stop someone from walking down the sidewalk by parking a motorhome in their path. 
* In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers. 
* In Oxford, Miss., it's illegal to "create unnecessary noises." 
* It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public. 
* It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session. 
* Oxford: It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session. One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square. Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited. Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses. 
* Tylertown: It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street. 
* Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000. 
* Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. 


Missouri 

* Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri. 
* Buckner: In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday. 
* Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Missouri... but not toy cap guns. 
* Excelsior Springs: Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. Worrying squirrels is not tolerated. 
* In Ballwin, Mo., the only place you can use vulgar, obscene or indecent language is in your home. 
* In Merryville women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." 
* In Springfield, door to door salesman are prohibited from selling their goods while standing in the middle of the road, screaming at passing vehicles. 
* In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. 
* In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses. 
* It is not illegal to speed. 
* Kansas City: Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely. Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited. 
* Marceline: Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters. 
* Marquette: It is illegal for more than four unrelated persons to occupy the same dwelling (The Brothel Law). 
* Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters. 
* Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 
* Mole: Frightening a baby is in violation of the law. 
* Natchez: It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. 
* Purdy: Dancing is strictly prohibited. 
* St. Louis: It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. This law refers back to the extinct Italian celebration, Hill Day, when beer was served in buckets. A milk man may not run while on duty. 
* University City: Four women may not rent an apartment together. 


Montana 

* It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. 
* It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. 
* In Billings, Montana it is illegal for employees of the city's communications center to program their phones with speed dial. 
* It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime in Montana. 
* Bozeman has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. 
* Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them. 
* It is illegal for a man and a woman to have sex in any other position other than missionary style. In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all. 
* It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. 
* Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits. 
* Helena: No item may be thrown across a street. 
* Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. 
* Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground. 
* Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. 
* Montana just legalized the production of caviar.
 
Nebraska 

* A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest. 
* Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska. 
* If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested. 
* It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. 
* It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. 
* It is illegal to go whale fishing. 
* It is illegal to sleep naked in a hotel/ motel room. 
* Lehigh: Doughnut holes may not be sold 
* Omaha: Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service. 
* The owner of every hotel in Hastings is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. 
* Waterloo: Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M. 


Nevada 

* A man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than himself at any one period during the day. 
* Clark County: An ordinance makes bringing a concealable fire arm into the county illegal unless it is registered with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. In order to register a handgun, however, it must be brought in to the police station. Furthermore, you may not register a gun on the weekends, but the police may prosecute you at that time. 
* Elko: Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask. 
* Eureka: Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women. 
* In Las Vegas, Nevada: It's against the law to pawn your dentures. 
* In Las Vegas you can bet on any team--except The University of Nevada at Las Vegas. 
* In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. 
* In Nevada until the 1960s it was illegal to sell liquor at religious camp meetings, within a half-mile of the state prison, in the State Capitol Building or to imbeciles. 
* In Reno, Nevada staging a marathon dance is illegal, although posting a notice on a fire hydrant about illegal dance marathons is not. 
* In the old days in Nevada a man caught beating his wife was tied to a stake for eight hours a day with a sign that read, "Wife Beater" fastened to his chest. 
* It's illegal in Nevada to have a "house of ill fame" within 400 yards of a church or school. 
* It is illegal in Reno, Nevada to conceal a spray-painted shopping cart in your basement. 
* It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property. 
* Saloonkeepers had to post the names of habitual drunkards if so requested by the local sheriff or members of the imbibers' immediate families. 


New Hampshire 

* Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces. 
* In New Hampshire it is illegal to inhale bus fumes with the intent of inducing euphoria. 
* In New Hampshire you are prohibited from pawning the clothes off your back to pay off gambling debts. 
* It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name. 
* It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach. 
* New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 
* On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up. 
* White Mountain Nat. Forest: If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ''maintaining the national forest without a permit''. 
* You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt. 
* You may not run machinery on Sundays. 


New Jersey 

* Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street. 
* Bernards Township: It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone". 
* Caldwell: You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue. 
* Cranford: Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn. 
* Cresskill: All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts. 
* Elizabeth: It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat. 
* If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. 
* In Berkley Heights you may not walk your cattle on the street on Sunday. 
* In New Jersey it is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon. 
* In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup. 
* It's illegal in New Jersey for parents to give their children under the age of 18 even a sip of alcohol. 
* It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. 
* It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. 
* It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo. 
* It's also illegal in this state to throw a bad pickle on the street. 
* Lovers in Liberty Corner should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. 
* Manville: It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo. 
* Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor. 
* Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday. 
* Raw hamburger may not be sold. 
* On a highway you can not park under a bridge. 
* Raritan: Profanity is prohibited. 
* Sea Isle City: There will be no boiling of bones on the property. 
* There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike. 
* You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. 


New Mexico 

* A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated. 
* Carrizozo: It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. 
* In Albuquerque, New Mexico it is illegal for cab drivers to reach out and pull potential customers into their cabs. 
* In Carlsbad it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. 
* In recent years, several efforts have been made to legalize camel racing and ostrich racing in New Mexico, but to no avail. Those bills were defeated, but the legislature recently allowed gambling on bicycle races. 
* Las Cruces: You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street. 
* State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet. 


New York 

* A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. 
* A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. 
* Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year. 
* Carmel: A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. 
* Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers". 
* Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y. 
* During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks. 
* In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk. 
* In New York City you need a permit to transport carbonated beverages. 
* In New York City it is illegal for a man to give 'The Standard Lear' to a woman. Violators are forced to wear horse blinders. 
* In New York City, it's illegal to throw swill into the street. 
* In New York City it's illegal to shake a dust mop out a window. 
* In New York State it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car. 
* In Ocean City, New York It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle. 
* In Ocean City New York, It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town. 
* In Staten Island, New York, It is illegal for a father to call his son a "faggot" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior." 
* In Staten Island, New York, You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand. 
* In Tonawanda, New York homeless people may not start a fire in the park unless they intend to cook food. 
* It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. 
* It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." 
* It is illegal to jump off the Empire State building. 
* It's illegal in New York to start any kind of public performance, show, play, game or what have you, until after 1:05 p.m. 
* Jaywalking is legal, as long as it's not diagonal. That is, you can cross the street out of the crosswalk, but you can't cross a street diagonally. 
* Members of nine New York Indian tribes are exempt from the city's eight percent parking tax. 
* New York and a handful of other states require that toilets be evenly divided among men and women in public theaters or arenas. 
* Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. 
* New York City may be the theater capital of the country, but it's illegal to have a puppet show in your window and a violation can land you in the snoozer for 30 days. 
* New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it. 
* Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. 
* Staten Island: You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand. 
* The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways. 
* The New York State Senate passed a resolution to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Brooklyn Dodgers' 1955 world championship and expressed a longing that someday the Dodgers will return to "their one and only true home." 
* To cut down on its once-horrific graffiti problem, New York City several years ago made it illegal to carry an open can of spray paint. 


North Carolina 

* A recent proposal that ministers walk the beat with police officers in Belmont, N.C., notes "the ministers will carry a Bible instead of a gun." 
* An ordinance proposed in Robbins, N.C., states, "In the future, anyone not living within the immediate vicinity of Robbins must have a permit from the Chief of Police and okayed by the Mayor or one of the Commissioners." It's not clear what the permit is for, but they may be on to something. 
* In Robbins, N.C., anyone who refuses to black out after hearing the blackout signal is subject to a $5 fine. 
* A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent. 
* All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden. 
* Barber: Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. 
* By town law the sewer service charge in Belhaven, N.C., used to be "$2 per month, per stool." It was recently changed to read "per toilet." 
* Because people were using them for cheap furniture, it's now illegal in North Carolina to take and sell labeled milk crates. 
* Chapel Hill: It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly. 
* Charlotte: Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times. 
* Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. 
* Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited. 
* Forest City: You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town. 
* Greensboro: Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street. 
* Hornytown: Massage parlors have been banned. 
* In Asheville, North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets. 
* In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life." 
* If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married. 
* If you happen to own a marl bed in North Carolina, the law demands that you put a fence around it. A marl bed may not be what you think. It is a kind of rock quarry. 
* In Forest City, N.C., it's illegal to bring a pea-shooter to a parade. It's also illegal to shoot paper clips with rubber bands. 
* In Mooresville, N.C., it's illegal to attach anything to a pool table. 
* In Nags Headm North Carolina you can be fined for singing out of tune for more than ninety seconds. 
* In Rockwell, N.C., anyone who violates the terms of a proclamation--such as failing to appropriately celebrate Peanut Day or Jaycees Week--is guilty of a misdemeanor. 
* North Carolina just passed a law saying a political action committee, or PAC, has to have a name that describes the group's cause or purpose. The idea is to prohibit, say, the highway or tobacco lobbies from calling themselves "Citizens for Good Government." 
* In North Carolina it's illegal to dig ginseng on other people's property between the months of April and September, according to an 1866 law. 
* In North Carolina it's illegal to sell cotton lint at night. 
* In North Carolina it is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds. 
* In Winston-Salem, North Carolina, it is against the law for children under seven years of age to go to college. 
* It is against the law to roller blade on a state highway. 
* It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard. 
* It's against the law to sing off key. 
* It's unlawful to attract a crowd in Forest City, N.C., except when aching the Gospel, politicking or "serenading on occasion of public rejoicing." 
* Kill Devil Hills: You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars. 
* Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden. 
* North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted. 
* Oral sex is considered a crime against nature. 
* Punching an official at a youth sports program in Nashville, N.C., incurs a three-year suspension from the program for adult spectators as well as participants. 
* Rocky Mount: It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog. 
* Southern Shores: It is against the law to roller-blade on a state highway. 
* Thomasville, North Carolina, prohibits airplanes from flying over the town on Sundays during the hours between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. 
* The good people of Tryon, N.C., are serious about getting a good night's sleep. It's against the law for anyone to keep "fowl that shall cackle," or for anyone to play the piccolo between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7:30 a.m. 
* While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled. 
* You can't sneeze on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina. 
* You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars. 
* There is to be no roller-blading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. 


North Dakota 

* Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. 
* Fargo: One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place. 
* In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard. 
* In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year 
* In North Dakota it is illegal to keep an elk in a sandbox in your backyard. 
* In Waverly you better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house. 
* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. 
* It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. 


Ohio 

* According to Ohio law, it's against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a license. 
* A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. However, the reverse is not true, even if it's a police dog. 
* Bay Village: It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road. 
* Bexley: The installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited. 
* Breast feeding is not allowed in public. 
* Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio. 
* Cincinnati: Anal intercourse is banned. 
* Cleveland: It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license! 
* Cleveland law forbids you to operate a motor vehicle while sitting in another person's lap. 
* In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. 
* Clinton County: Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines. 
* In Chillicothe, Ohio it is illegal to throw rice at weddings. 
* Columbus: It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday. 
* Fairview Park: It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor. Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission. 
* Funeral jargon seems to have crept into the wording of a cemetery fee regulation in Norton, Ohio. There regular plots are $33, but "creamies" are $75. 
* In Marysville, Ohio it is illegal for a dog to urinate on a parking meter. 
* In the hippy-dippy late '60s, Youngstown, Ohio, briefly had a law making it illegal to walk barefoot through town. 
* In ohio it is illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi cab. 
* In ohio it is illegal to run out of gas. 
* In Ohio women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear. 
* In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 
* In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. 
* In Oxford, Ohio, it is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face. 
* In Xenia, Ohio, it's illegal to spit in a salad bar 
* Ironton: Cross-dressing is against the law. 
* It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police. 
* It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house. 
* It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. 
* It is illegal to get a fish drunk. 
* It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance. 
* It is legal to throw a snake at someone but it is illegal to shake a snake at someone. 
* Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission. 
* It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. 
* Lima: Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold. 
* Lowell: It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour. 
* Marion: You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. 
* McDonald: Your goose may not paraded down Main Street. 
* No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July. 
* Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes. 
* Oxford: It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. 
* Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited. 
* Paulding: A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. 
* Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed. 
* The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car. 
* Toledo: Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal. 
* You may not run out of gas. 


Oklahoma 

* Alfalfa Bill Murray was a legendary legislator in Oklahoma around the turn of the century who became speaker of the house and governor. He was also a tall fellow, and nothing ticked him off more than going into a hotel and having short sheets on the bed. In 1908 he had a law passed that required all hotels in the Sooner state to have sheets that covered the bed and had three extra feet of linen to cover the head and feet. The so-called "Nine Foot Sheet" stayed on the books for several decades, until after Alfalfa went to his last resting place. 
* Ada: If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail. 
* Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television. 
* Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. 
* Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. 
* Clinton: Molesting an automobile is illegal. 
* Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property. 
* Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. 
* Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus. 
* Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window. 
* In Broken Arrow, Oklahoma pigs less than 32 inches in length may be kept as pets provided there are no more than two in a house. 
* In Bromide, Oklahoma it is illegal for children to use towels as capes and jump from houses pretending to be superman. 
* Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger. 
* In Oklahoma, people who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. 
* In Tulsa, Oklahoma the limit on kisses is three minutes. 
* It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle. 
* It is illegal to have sex before you are married. 
* It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots. 
* It is illegal to wear your boots to bed. 
* It's statutory rape for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18, provided she's a virgin. If she's not a virgin, it is okay, but the said person must be over 16. If both parties are under 18, then the law does not apply. 
* No one may spit on a sidewalk. 
* One may not promote a "horse tripping event". 
* Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punisable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. 
* Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. 
* Schulter: Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel. 
* Tattoos are banned. 
* Whale hunting is strictly prohibitted throughout the entire state of Oklahoma. 
* Wynona: One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended. Mules may not drink out of bird baths. Clothes may not be washed in bird baths. 
* Yukon: It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall. While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn. 


Oregon 

* Beaverton: You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. 
* Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. 
* Dishes must drip dry. 
* Eugene: It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert. 
* Hood River: Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license. 
* In Oregon anyone with a bad reputation is prohibited from distributing malt beverages. 
* In Salem, Oregon, it's illegal for patrons of establishments that feature nude dancing to be within two feet of the dancers. 
* In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife. 
* It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits. 
* It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property. 
* It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex. 
* It's against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. 
* There is a law in Portland, Oregon saying that it is illegal to own bolt cutters but yet they sell them in all the local hardware stores. One person got pulled over for carrying a bolt cutter down the street and the police took it away from him saying it was illegal for him to have. 
* Klamath Falls: It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane. 
* Marion: Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon. 
* Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon. 
* Myrtle Creek: One may not box with a kangaroo. 
* No more than two people may share a single drink. 
* One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., that which covers one's body from neck to knee. 
* People may not whistle underwater. 
* You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms. 
* Salem: Women may not wrestle in Salem. Springfield It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet. 
* The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart. 
* You may not pump your own gas in service stations. 


Pennsylvania 

* A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel. 
* A special cleaning ordinance bans homemakers from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. 
* All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. 
* Allentown: There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public. 
* Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue. 
* Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket