Today is my birthday, so in the spirit of all the ancestors who came before me and made me all that I am, I'm going to try to correct a little situation that has come up in the last couple decades that might be doing damage to future generations. Really, kids, we're fucking up evolution because we're afraid of being sued.

Evolution, even if you think we came from Adam's Rib Garden, is obvious. Stuff that works stays around long enough to be improved, things that don't work as well are abandoned. Telephones, The Bee Gees. Which one is still here?

Back in the old days (no, not the 70's) when Homo Erectus (I like that name) first appeared on Earth, it was all about survival. You had to be strong and fast so you could hunt and defend yourself. Cromagnon man had to be intelligent enough to use tools and find food and follow the herds of animals they hunted. Otherwise, they didn't live long enough to breed.

Stupid humans were eaten, starved to death, got lost, fell down holes, and who knows what else. Intelligent humans had intelligent children who improved the species. It's as simple as that. The fit survive and the unfit don't survive.

So just what the FUCK do you think you're doing with all this safety shit? Back in my day we looked both ways before crossing the street and stupid children got run over. Now people just wander around like Helen Keller and drivers are supposed to watch out for them? Come ON!

CAUTION, CONTENTS MAY BE HOT. No fucking shit, Stella. It's coffee, you dumb bitch. If you put it between your legs while you drive, your coochie is going to get burnt. How dare you sue McDonalds over your own stupidity? If I were Ronald Mickey D I would have filed a counter-suit to have your IQ tested. Maybe that was just pure greed and that old lady with the burt virginia wasn't so dumb after all. But she won! A stupid FUCK judge and, I dunno, 6 or 12 unevolved ape-men felt sorry enough for her red hotentot that they actually awarded her money!

Keep our children safe. Okay, look. My mother taught me the basics. Don't get in cars with strangers. Look both ways. Don't run with scissors. Don't eat rat poison. Don't swim out to the deep water if you can't swim back. Don't touch that, it's hot.

Mother told me these things, told me what would happen if I didn't listen, looked out for me when I was too young to understand... but when I could understand and I did stupid shit anyway, it was my own fault. "Ow, I burnt my finger!" "I told you it was hot." "Ow, I got hot coffee up my twat!" "You didn't ask for iced coffee." I can still hear my father saying, "I bet you won't do that again."

How about that guy who removed the screens from his windows and tried to sue his landlord because his kids fell out? Shit, gas the whole family QUICK. The kids were old enough to know better, like 7 or 8, so they don't need to pass those genes on to the next generation. They were living on the 10th floor or whatever. I mean shit, that's a recipe for disaster. Half a million years ago they'd be dead and the rest of us would evolve, but no. Not now. Not in modern times. We keep stupid people safe so they can't off themselves.

It would be interesting to watch, really. We could tag stupid people with radio transmitters like on Wild Kingdom and then use the satelites to watch them. We could zoom in and..."Oh, there's Bob, drinking lye." "Hey, check out that drunk guy riding a unicycle on that rope bridge..." It would be fabulous and we'd never have to watch Survivor again!

Some safety devices are good common sense. A railing along the side of the bridge is a good idea in case someone intelligent stumbles or trips. I'm fine with that. But bird cage wire all the way up to the top so suicidal people can't jump? Fuck no, let them jump if they want; we don't need them. Besides that, when I'm up somewhere high and I'm enjoying the view, I don't want stupid-people protective wire up at eye level so I have to see the sweeping vista through little wire peep-holes.

Hey, you know what's really funny? The Darwin Awards. Seriously, these stories will keep you laughing for hours and almost all of them involve death by stupidity. The rules are simple. If you do something stupid and remove yourself from the gene pool, you win a Darwin Award. Most of them are awarded posthumously but that's half the fun. There's a link at the botom of this page so check it out. A lot of stories begin, "Three men were drinking and decided to..." and Jeff Foxworthy says that a redneck's last words are usually, "Hey, watch this!"

I know one story that never got into the Darwin Awards, but it should have. Some redneck in Minnesota got himself rip-roaring drunk and decided he was going to walk around naked. He lived out in the middle of nowhere and his family wasn't home that day, so it would have been a fun little thrill for him. If only he hadn't decided to go weld some metal in his garage... stop and think.... yes, that's exactly what happened. He lived, but the meat and potatoes were burnt right off. Technically, that would get him a Darwin Award because there's no more gene pool for Bubba. But he had kids before this happened. Heh. Now he operates on a Unix OS.

Anyway, the world can be a dangerous place. We should let the world go ahead and BE dangerous. People who can't cope with it will find ways to exit early. Those left behind will have cleaner air, more space to put their stuff and less expensive housing. We'll need a lot more cemeteries, though.