It's Midnight and I have to get up at 5am tomorrow. I can't sleep just yet because I napped too much today. This is the time in the dark of night when the world is quiet that weird ideas, good and bad, are born. There's no easy way to break the news to you so I'll just be out with it...

I'm going to run for president. No, not president of the Pulp Fiction Fan Club; I really mean it. President of the United States. Hell yeah. I can win too.

In my lifetime we've had some pretty shitty presidents. I was born under the crooked political astrology of Nixon although I don't remember a damn thing about him except what I've learned through historical retrospect. When you ask a little boy if he knows who the president is, I was informed enough to answer "Ford" but I don't remember jack about him either.

The first President I remember with any clarity at all is Carter and even today he's a man to respect. I never got to read that scathing review he wrote for all the Sunday Papers a few weeks ago, but I will probably Google for it soon. I'm a little too sleepy to do it right now. What I remember is the Iran Hostages and how every news show told us how many days it had been. I wasn't that interested in politics back then, but I had the gut-driven intuition that Jimmy Carter was busting ass trying to help those people and that they were released right AFTER his term in office ended was meant to be a slap in the face. What he did to piss off Iranian terrorists I don't know. I was way too young.

Reagan. Dead, you know. I didn't hate him but I didn't like or respect him either. He should have stayed an actor. Republicans in general give me gas, but there are two things I remember about Reagan. 1 - He never said the word "AIDS" at least not where a microphone could hear it. AIDS became a HOT national emergency under his reign and yet he managed to ignore it in every way. Thanks, Ron; your empathy and compassion are without measure, you mean old dead fucker. 2 - Reaganomics! Now you must remember that I was in High School in the Reagan years. I cared more about zit control and being picked on by the popular kids than I did about watching the news or following the Washington freakshow. But what I do remember comes back to me in condescending terms like "trickle-down economics" and "national debt". Trickle down, like the poor people at the bottom of the economic caste system are supposed to survive on leftovers. Any money that no one else wants, you can have it. I don't REALLY know anything about his economic theories, but just the NAME irritates me. Shit rolls downhill where it belongs, I guess. That's about all I remember of Reagan.

George Bush the First reminded me of the school counsellor I had in Middle School. I didn't like him either. My memories and opinions of Bush Senior can condense down to a few key points. At the time I was in college and preoccupied with other matters such as Fun, Partying, Finding money to spend, Spending it, Becoming more of a hippie, Wishing I lived in the 60's, oh and that other thing, what was it? Oh, school. Right.

Bush I made me worry. He invaded Iran so we could have cheaper gas. Any other excuse you might hear is smoke being blown up your ass. OIL. But why did he make me worry so? Because my dear sainted lovely mother was in the Air Force Reserves and she was called to active duty. She only went to Ohio to work at a base there after all the active duty personnel left for Desert Storm. But still. That's just not cool to start a war like that. Like father, like son. Anyway, how did the economy suck back then? What kind of debt were we in after one term of Daddy? Thank all the Gods in the Pantheon that he lost his campaign for re-election. The only nice thing I can say about Bush I is that he probably really did win his election; America got the president that they voted into office and had to lay in the mess they made.

Bill Clinton. I had a nice job, the economy was perky, and I don't care who was sucking his dick. Other countries respected us, some of them even liked us. When he left office the national debt had turned into a national surplus. I wasn't worried whether Social Security would be there for me in my old age. I'd like to elect Bill again, actually. We could even appoint a Presidential Concubine to suck his dick anytime he wanted, so long as the country is running smoothly like it did back then. It's a small price to pay. I secretly cheered him on through that whole Starr Report business. What a happy world it would be if I could get head at work. You go, Bill. That's cool.

I've made my opinion known about Bush the Lesser in other entries, since all of them thus far have been written during his time in his ursurped office. Let me condense for you that he stole BOTH elections with the help of his brother, father and other assorted cronies, he works for Halliburton and assorted oil companies rather than working for us, he's trashed our economy and soiled our international reputation. He should be impeached and shot and like Egyptians did, his name and image should be erased from history.

I won't even refer to him with the "P" word because that term is only used in reference to people who win elections. These are the eight sad years when our elected President was unable or unwilling to fulfil his duties and so the second-runner-up was hired to fill in as a temp until a replacement could be found.

Finally, I need to address my own self-nomination for next year's Presidential Race. I'm truly sorry to be a white male. Nothing against Obama or Hillary, but neither of them have a snowball's chance in Hades. (1-22-09, In retrospect I'm VERY happy to have been wrong about that.) America is still a backward nation in many ways. We still measure things with feet and inches, for Christ's sake. A woman? A black man? Come on... as modern as you like to think you are, do you really see America electing anything but a white male in your lifetime? It would be nice, I agree completely, but reality isn't usually what's "nice". If America were ready for a woman to be president, people are too divided on Hillary for her to be that woman. We know her too well and although I really like her I just don't see the majority of voters liking her as much as I do.

Barack Hussain Obama. Nada Gonna Happen. (1-22-09 There are still pockets of ignorant hillbillies who think he's a Muslim agent sent to take over America; German names weren't that popular during WW2 either and let's not forget how we treated Asian-Americans shortly after Pearl Harbor. Globally, his unfortunate middle name of Hussain is about like a white guy who's middle name is Allan.) Again, I like him. He seems sharp. He might be the best president of the last 50 years for all I know. But Americans taken as a whole are backward, ignorant, reactionist hicks... for the most part. We say we're not racist, but in a private voting booth a lot of people still are racist pigs down deep and will vote accordingly. I'm not, and if he's running I'm going to vote for him (assuming I can't vote for myself). Then there's his name... you have Bubba and Francine Mullett-Neckredder over there who can't even master thier native language... so when you say, "Barack Hussain Obama" they're actually hearing "Osama Bin Laden" and they're just too damn ignorant to know the difference. The same exact man with a name like John Steven Smith Jones might have a real chance in this election. Of course I don't agree with that thinking, but I've been observing my countrymen for a long time now and I know how they think... or how they don't think.

We can still have a president who's a minority. I'm a minority in many ways. I'm a gay pagan democratic libertarian tree-hugging hippie who wants to legalize marijuana and homo marriage, so this should be a fun campaign.

In the coming weeks and months, I'll add more blogs to this series. I'll cover various campaign issues like social responsibility, economic theory, international policy, immigration issues, war, health care, energy and pollution, crime, education and whatever else tickles my typing fingers in the dead of night.

I'll be a great president. You will be better off. The world will be a nicer place to live. Our nation will be a shining avatar of peace, goodwill and mutual respect between all people and animals and birds and fish and even some insects that don't bite or sting. At the end of my eight years I expect Congress to introduce a bill that would extend presidential terms indefinitely just so I can stay in office. I'll respectfully veto this bill in favor of a nice quiet retirement on some Caribbean island with my staff of Secret Service Boys. Yeah, I can't wait to be President.

Page Content & Design Copyright © 2007 TreeMonkey.net

Back to the Main Page